#but once you achieve that it is totally reasonable to expect students to perform

[askshivanulegacy]

Look, there's nothing forcing professors to cut the reading just to pass students for nothing.

If the students don't read and they can't pass whatever benchmarks are set for that, then fail them. Failure is the consequence. Hold students accountable. You shouldn't accommodate trends of lazy people just to achieve arbitrary passing benchmarks. It doesn't matter how old or dry the reading is. You won't fix this presumed attention span issue by catering to it. Develop it properly. Read or fail, it's not like it's hard.

HOWEVER, the point about insane levels of reading is also true. That is a chronic issue across all levels of higher education, and that itself is a failure of the university, the professors, and the subpar system that thinks it's okay to assign that much work. If you want students to read that much, then you have to assign it in reasonable amounts which also take into account other classes the students have and also their ability to keep their own lives in order. This has been an issue for decades.

You don't assign entire books in just a few days. MAYBE 10-20 pages in a day for one class ... observing an overall university cap of no more than something like 50 (dense pages) in a day, and even that might be on the high end if you also have tasks like essay or math or labs to do.

And of course, as a consequence of that, you either achieve fewer overall books or you extend the length of the courses - two semesters instead of one, for example. I wonder how much of the pared down reading is actually a recognition of poor teaching practices and the implementation of a better-paced system.

It's two issues, frankly: personal failure and university system failure. If younger students aren't interested in dense texts ... zero sympathy. The text exists for a reason, and part of the point is to learn to read things you may not be personally interested in, and also to broaden your horizons. The point is not to cave and cater to a failure of students to develop their minds. But you also shouldn't grind people into the dirt with unrealistic reading assignments. The purpose of reading a book is to absorb the big picture but also the nuance, and you are not doing that by skimming texts. If I have multiple hundreds of pages a day, because of professor and university incompetence, then I've gotten to the point that I simply don't do any of it - out of principle, and then I also give the professors strict feedback about it and expect them to do better. They work for me, after all, and they're not teaching correctly either. It's just laziness on their part.

Fix the system to make it reasonable and then stick to your guns.

Ppl on the other hellsite losing their minds over this in every imaginable direction lmao

[dennou-translations]

Tokushima Shinbun Interview with Yano Shougo

Interviewing Yano Shougo-san, who has starred for the first time in the topical anime “Given” and is originally from Tokushima. “I wanted to be an actor that would make people go, ‘I’m glad I entrusted the role to him’.”

Yano Shougo-san (30), who is from Tokushima and belongs to the troupe Super Eccentric Theater (SET), played a starring role for the first time as a voice actor in the anime “Given”, which aired from July to September on Fuji TV. “Given” is a heartrending story that centers itself around a romance between men from the same rock band. Having received high evaluations for his acting and singing voice, which portrayed with excellence the delicate emotions of the protagonist, Satou Mafuyu, Yano-san has told us about the feelings he put into the role and about his future goals.

Raw || Index || Ko-fi/PayPal ( ╹◡╹)っ’･*

——Good job on your first starring. Please tell us again about your impressions from when you were entrusted with the leading role.

Thank you very much. Playing a leading role in an anime series was my goal for 2019, so when my manager contacted me saying that I had passed the audition, I was happy to the point of shedding tears, but at the same time, I was also relieved. I could not sleep a wink the day before the recording of episode one, and at any rate, I was nervous. On the recording day, I was thinking as I headed to the studio, “It’d be great if the recording were tomorrow”, but I got over it a little by the moment that I thought, “If this anxiety would continue until tomorrow, then it’s actually better for it to be today!” and I remember relaxing straight away at it

——Yano-san, your fragile voice was a perfect fit for Mafuyu. What did you keep in mind when performing him? Were there any points that differed greatly in comparison to the roles you have been playing until now?

Mafuyu has an extremely painful past, unable to move a single step from where he was, as he bore a huge wound. Still, he has proper thoughts and feelings of his own, as well as a stubborn side, and though he has a mild and introverted personality, I figured that he was someone who had a strong core.

Other than that, when I saw him playing basketball with his friends, smiling and earnestly absorbing himself completely in music, I had the impression that he was a “high school boy that you can find anywhere”. This was something I always cherished when performing.

I have played uke roles before, but this was the first one where so many of my lines were “...” (laughs).

——What parts of Mafuyu do you think you have in common, Yano-san, and what parts are the total opposite of you?

I think we are just a little bit alike in that we are greedy about the things we like, and we are unable to concentrate on anything else when there is something that we need to do our best in order to achieve. What I feel to be the opposite is that Mafuyu gives off the impression that he is a big shot in some way, even without speaking much, while I am talkative and shy (laughs).

——You were also in charge of singing the insert song and ending theme song.

I knew ever since the audition phase just how essential Mafuyu’s song was for the series, so rather than my being happy about singing, the pressure was much more prominent. As a matter of course, the frequency of my voice training soon increased, and learned the basics and techniques of singing as much as time allowed me to. When I was first told about the composition, I thought, “This song was made for Mafuyu’s sake”. That is exactly why, rather than the technique, I reflected about why and how Mafuyu would be singing those lyrics, as well as the emotions that would be overflowing from him, and I thought I should sing it with care, without sugarcoating it.

——What did you keep in mind when singing as Mafuyu?

The song that Mafuyu sings bears his definite resolve to face his past and live in the present, thus I believed that I had to make it into something like a love confession, so to say - a song that could be sung because Mafuyu was the one doing it. For this, of course, technique was important, but I kept in mind that it would be okay even if it was rough-hewn or even if my voice faltered, as long as I sang in a way that would spit out everything Mafuyu had been shouldering.

——Although Noitamina has produced countless master piece animes, this has been their first Boys Love (BL), a series that depicts romance between males, so was there anything you were particularly conscious of when performing?

There was not. Just as I do when performing roles from other series, I performed while keeping in mind that I was going to live in the world of “Given” as Mafuyu with all my might.

——I believe there was such a huge response to “Given” due to its painful content, but did it get to your ears?

There are many fans of the original work not only in Japan but also overseas, so I became aware once again of the popularity of “Given”. That is just how high the expectations were for the anime adaptation, and I wanted people to like it even more when watching the anime, so I was truly happy when I actually did get evaluations like that on Twitter, etc.

——The airing of the anime “Given” is over, but a movie adaptation was green-lit. Please leave a message for the fans.

The story of “Given” will continue from now on too. I hope everyone can watch over what kind of sounds will come from Mafuyu’s song, Given’s (as in the band that Mafuyu and the others formed in the show) music and their romance from now onward.

——From here on out, Yano-san, I want to ask you about yourself. It seems you wanted to be an announcer at first.

I had the vague desire to move into the television business, and from yet another vague motive of wanting to become an announcer and engage with my favorite variety show, I started thinking in my third year of high school that I wanted to be an announcer.

——Why did you aim for voice actor from there?

After graduating from high school, I took a gap year in order to attend university, and during that time, I watched “Neon Genesis Evangelion” as per a friend’s recommendation, so with this as the trigger, I became interested in anime. I had almost never watched anime until then and was unfamiliar with voice actors, so I was shocked when I read in the end roll that Ogata Megumi-san was the one who played the role of Ikari Shinji, a boy, thus I became interested in them.

——Was there anything you put effort into in order to become a voice actor?

During my gap year, I watched many animes, looked up the voice actors that piqued my curiosity and imitated their acting, and performed lines from anime and manga with as much emotion as I could. I also bought a training book for becoming a voice actor and practiced enunciation while keeping it a secret from my family.

——What are the details of your joining SET?

I was was part of a the theater research association in university, but when I was in my fourth year, I once gave up the way of an actor and went job hunting. Even so, I wanted to have a job that was related to acting, so I took the recruitment test of a major production company hoping to become a manager, but during the individual interview, the person in charge told me, “Are you really all right with giving up on becoming an actor? If you want to be a voice actor, then go study theatre”.

And so, I began wanting to challenge myself one more time, so I stopped job hunting and after looking into audition magazines, I took an audition to become a research student of SET, where I could learn the essentials for musical, action and comedic theatre. I became a research student at 23, and after about a year of lessons and a graduation performance, I became an official member at the age of 24.

——Please tell us about the works and roles you did before your voice actor debut.

During my first year in becoming a troupe member, I played the role of Saburou, the protagonist of the TV anime “Nobunaga Kyousoukyoku”, as a motion actor - the kind of actor who does the gestures that are used as base for the characters’ movements.

I also participated in the troupe’s own public performance. It was a role where I had to drink coffee and say only one phrase, “It’s sweet”. It was a sentence that connected with a funny punchline, so I had been thinking all along about how I should act it out in order to induce laughter, and even during the performance, I did many attempts.

——After that, you debuted as a voice actor in the anime “Yu-Gi-Oh! ARC-V”.

When I was selected, I was really happy to be able to take the voice acting job that I had once given up on. I was brimming with confidence for some reason, even though I had no experience points. But when I went to the studio, I was no good at all; I would get nervous every week and had to stay overtime a lot, so I honestly hated going to the studio (laughs). Even so, thanks to the director and all the co-stars not throwing away someone like me, who did not know left and right, and instead nurturing me during the three years of “Yu-Gi-Oh! ARC-V”, I changed my thinking and posture in regards of acting.

——Afterward, you became capable of being entrusted with important roles, such as in “iDOLM@STER SideM” and “Tsurune —Kazemai Koukou Kyuudoubu—“, but were there any parts of them where you could feel your own growth?

In that I started thinking it was fun to perform. Even now, I still get nervous when going on-site, but as I would read the script, think about the role and create a foundation for my acting, I feel like I have become able to perform in front of the mic by responding to the acting of the person playing the other role, without thinking about unnecessary things, little by little. The moment I feel that the air has set to motion and it has turned into a drama is, if nothing else, enjoyable. I started having challenges, aspirations and goals for myself, such as, “I want to perform like this more” or, “I could bring this role into life more if I performed like that”.

——What are the fun and difficult parts of voice acting? Please tell us about your future goals too.

I believe the fun in being a voice actor is that we can perform roles that would be difficult in filming or on a stage.

There are many things that you can only learn in a recording site. When I go to them, I find a whole lot of people who are better at acting than I am, so I have to earn a role for myself. I fail most of my auditions and get depressed each time. Even so, I want to keep showing up in those series and play a role that moves the story. I always strongly think that I want to become an actor who can make people go, “I want to use Yano for this” and, “I’m glad I entrusted this role to Yano”.

——From now on, between actor and voice actor, which one to you plan to put more strength into?

Voice actor. That being said, in order to broaden my ranges as an actor too, I think I have to take on all kinds of jobs that require technique for different facial expressions on-stage. For us voice actors, charming people are mostly those who are also charismatic on the stage, so I think I also want to become a charming actor.

——Are you able to return to Tokushima regularly even now?

I make sure to go back as often as I can during summer vacation and New Years.

——Are there any parts of your life in Tokushima that have been put to good use in your acting jobs?

I seldom have any chance to come in contact with anything related to acting in Tokushima. Even if I had interest in voice actors and acting, wanted to attend a training school or thought about going to watch a play, they were all things that could not come true if I stayed in Tokushima. That is why I created many opportunities to come in contact with acting after moving to Tokyo, such as joining my university’s theatre research association and attending a school where I could study voice acting. I think I could cultivate something like a hungry spirit exactly because I used to live in Tokushima.

——If there is anything or any place in Tokushima that you like, please tell us.

Awa Dance, I guess. I did not like it that much when I was little, but after I became an adult, the group dance I watched from a box seat was stunning, and it made me so emotional that I started crying.

Also, the park that my grandfather often took me to when I was a child, though I don’t know if it still exists. I would put rice balls and pickled horseradish in a big plastic container and go there. I have memories of eating them with cold tea from a polyethylene teapot with my grandfather, after playing badminton. I want to do the same with my children and grandchildren when I become a parent and a grandpa.

——Yano-san, since you have made your dream come true, please leave a message to the young people who are chasing their dreams in Tokushima.

Time passes in a flash. For now, please do what you can with all your might. It can be anything, like classes, club activities, cultural festivals, sports festivals or romance.

If there is anything you can work your hardest in over there, please try facing it with all you have. It will certainly become a sustenance for your life from this point onward. I believe that it is better to do something and regret it than to regret not having done it.

Should there be anyone aiming to become an actor, please take action while constantly thinking about how you can get closer to the future that you have as your goal. I think there are surely many things you can do even if you are in Tokushima.

If you do not know what you should do after doing a research and reflecting on it, have courage and go consult someone who can give advice. Nothing is in vain, but rather than spending time not thinking about anything, I believe that spending time thinking about whatever is more worthwhile.

Please do your best. I will do my best too.

——Please leave a message for the fans who are cheering for you from Tokushima.

Thank you so very much for supporting me. The other day, when I took part in a recital play being held in Tokushima, I was able to show my acting to my family for the first time. They were very pleased.

Most events are held in the Tokyo Metropolitan Area, so I believe that people cannot go watch them even if they want to. My wish for more and more people to experience an event in Tokushima and see me working has become even stronger.

I will be doing my best from now on too in order to be able to take part in more series, play all kinds of roles, get to do an event in Tokushima again someday and have people come talk to me. I will be counting with your continued support from this point onward too.

[onlinemoneyculture]

How To Make Money With YouTube

YouTube has transformed video publication into a lucrative business and a powerful tool for promoting your business or service internationally. It has grown in popularity as the cost of high-quality video recording has decreased. 

Nowadays, all you need is a quality standalone camera or a nice smartphone to capture footage that rivals high-budget productions. It's all about originality and a compelling viewpoint for eliciting an emotional response from your potential audience.

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The Establishment

Before you start seeing yourself as the next Danny Boyle, it's a good idea to consider the type of video you want to create. Are you wanting to earn money directly from your video, or are you looking to utilize it to promote engagement? Occasionally, it is common to do so for both of these reasons. The sort of material you publish on YouTube is determined by what and why you record and share. 

In terms of direct or indirect revenue generated by your video, it's obvious that the number of views and shares your video may generate is the metric of success. So, what causes virality? We can never truly anticipate what will happen, but we can make some educated predictions based on historical tendencies. Even if your video does not become a global sensation, you may still earn money from your camera and a little more money for your trouble.

The Distribution

Depending on the purpose of the video, you can generate interest by delivering information authoritatively in order to keep the audience informed or inquisitive, and by including other clips that connect to your subject as necessary. If you choose the lighthearted informal approach, it is critical that your video be both engaging and humorous while still being relevant to your line of business. 

To increase your watching statistics, use useful tutorials or 'how-to's delivered with a tongue-in-cheek tone. Humour is always an excellent perspective to take. There are several free video editing programs that may help you produce attractive visuals for your clip. Text sliders and integrated music are also easier to design and add than you would believe. A well-produced videoed viewpoint works effectively for direct sales or marketing. 

The road forward is short, acute, and swift. Bear in mind that internet viewers have a relatively limited attention span. You have the first eight seconds to captivate the viewer's attention. Begin with a bang and keep interested by removing any superfluous material.

Sell! Sell! Sell!

If you sell a product or service, it's worthwhile to collect client testimonials for inclusion on your website. It surpasses text testimonials in that anybody can create a fake one in a couple of seconds. This will not only improve your YouTube presence, but it will also provide material for your other endeavor - a video advertisement!

If you're launching a new product or service, you may create an instructional video to accompany it, therefore promoting both your business and your new device. Publishers and authors do this frequently. Provide valuable information on the issue to which your product relates. Inform your visitors on topics they don't know and then present your goods without being too pushy.

The $1 shaving club clip is still the gold standard for all trade-related YouTube videos. Michael Dubin achieved over 5 million views and massive volume sales of $1.00 shaving sticks for a total cost of $3,000 plus several unemployed staff employees. 

It demonstrates the power of imagination in spreading a message virally. He amassed a sizable watching audience, but achieving a 3% global sales conversion rate is nothing short of brilliance. Take a look at the Dollar Shave Club smash.

Create a humorous video ad displaying your business culture or a typical client experience as an excellent starting point. To convert one viewer into ten or twenty, showing footage of your bustling work environment, processing orders, or showcasing the advantages of your business would require entertainment or shock.

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An excellent video is only effective if it elicits a single viewer's response or engagement. However, in order to go viral, the video must be humorous, provocative, or extremely instructive. What you want is for your audience to share your video on social media. That is the actual definition of a viral assault, which is disseminated by people who are infected. We'd suggest that traffic generated by controversy be left to experienced marketers or those looking for nothing more than a large number of visitors. It may have unfavorable consequences.

For people new to YouTube, it's generally best to just be yourself. Make certain to highlight your unique selling proposition. As alluring as it may be to hire a gorgeous blonde as your spokeswoman, this strategy almost always works against you; instead, get some genuine individuals in front of the camera and demonstrate to your consumers that you can be trusted. 

Successful films often include make-up artists, business trainers, eccentric shops, and amusing web ventures. On YouTube, music has also gained commercial exposure, and we are not talking about a major musician or record company. Dub FX was a dub performer making a few pounds on the streets of Camden and other comparable European cities. On YouTube, footage of his performance garnered millions of views, and let's just say he received his baptism at Glastonbury.

Click To Purchase

New media technology is not idle, particularly when it comes to generating direct sales through media engagement. Some people began the concept with product placement while watching a YouTube clip. Now, you may click on a highlighted object in a video to purchase the item using the click-through link. 

The setup is far less expensive than it was when the technology was in Beta a few years ago. For a monthly fee, you may have the software running in your £20 YouTube video. A smart method to set up a YouTube shop, in a nutshell, is to have a scrolling catalog with voice commentary and some intriguing content to keep the user engaged. 

Your material should pique the viewer's interest and maintain it. If it's fashion, discuss trends, suggestions, and styles, sprinkle in an occasional celebrity photo, and then exhibit your products. The same is true of services. You may include scrolling text that is clickable as you introduce your unique service. Order now, reserve your spot, and other call-to-action words can generate direct income for you.

AdSense And Ranking

YouTube is an excellent source of vitamins for your Google health. Your web presence may do wonders for surfer engagement and commerce thanks to search engines and web ranking. After uploading your video, don't forget to give it a title, description, and tags. 

After you've optimized your keywords and set phrases with accompanying descriptions, you're well on your way to receiving a spike in traffic from Google. If you use appropriate connections and spread the news via social media or your website, your video should get a few hundred views. Your video should begin to show on Google as a result of your key phrases. Click-throughs to websites receive a sizable portion of their traffic from video searches typically associated with YouTube. 

Page ranking on YouTube with the assistance of your video is therefore very important. Conduct research on how AdSense works to ensure that money generated from this source is reasonable and constant. YouTube will deposit payments into your Google AdSense account, and after you've completely registered in the program, you'll also be able to turn on Google advertisements to the side of or above your videos. 

This may earn additional revenue through pay per click and affiliate commissions, and all you have to do is maintain new video material and enjoy the earnings. Apart from direct payment, there are additional options to grow your YouTube reputation and generate additional money sources. 

If you're selling a few items on eBay or want to increase traffic to your revenue-generating blog, including a link to your site makes sense. You may approach other firms in your sector and offer to recommend their goods in your videos in exchange for a 5-10% commission over and above what YouTube pays you, or you can just get into an affiliate arrangement. By avoiding middlemen affiliate firms, you may keep 100% of your commission.

The Program for Partners

The Partner Program is when your films truly begin to earn you money. Once you become a partner, you may expect to earn between $2.50 and $5 (£1.56 and £3.13) for every 1,000 views of your video. While this may not sound like much at the moment, if you manage to produce the next viral phenomenon with millions of views, you can expect to earn a dot-com fortune for your efforts. Consider monetizing your video by selling scrolling text. 

A specific number of viewers suffices as proof of existence for a platform in which a linked business would be interested. Product placement and endorsements as part of the content are an effective way for paying advertising, large or small, to promote their business.

favorite open-source resources.

Currency of the Fans

Make your uploads one-of-a-kind and positively distinctive, and you're likely to amass a devoted following of admirers. Video marketing is not a get-rich-quick scheme, and it may be unexpected to some extent; patience and deliberate preparation should assist. 

It may be a lot of fun to create the films, and once they begin generating money for you, they are likely to continue earning money month after month. Feed your audience by introducing them to videos from others who have a link to yours. Once you've accumulated a library of 15 or more videos, you should be able to generate a reasonable amount of views for each video. Once all of your videos reach a minimum of 1,000 views, you can be confident that YouTube will contact you to ask whether you'd want to apply to become a Partner.

Uploading videos to YouTube is an extremely public act. As a result, you must be explicit about authorization and the restrictions of publishing a video. Take precautions and ensure that you have authorization where necessary to avoid discovering that your hard work was for naught. 

Situational footage in which you act as a witness with your video may be excluded in some instances, therefore it's a good idea to understand the limitations. Ascertain that your video does not violate the copyright of another party. Take a few moments to go over YouTube's terms of service. They are also there to safeguard your own good work from infringement by others; you'd need to know when your copyright interests have been violated as well. 

Consult YouTube's copyright guidelines and suggestions. Making money on YouTube offers more opportunities than we are accustomed to. It's entirely up to you to create engaging content and manage revenue once watching statistics begin to climb. It's an open field; let's begin filming.

Mother of three, daughter, sister, wife, public relations consultant, and entrepreneur

On most days, like many women, I appear to have to balance all of my duties. On other days, there are only three or four. This was the impetus for me to create Home For Business. I understand what it takes to be a working mother and how to run an internet business from home while juggling all of the 'pulls' of daily family life and work.

I've always been entrepreneurial, and in my 30s founded my first corporate communications firm, EMA Productions, working with large multinational customers such as Texaco and Rank & Boots. While it was difficult and time-consuming, it was immediately successful. Without family interruptions and with the backing of a wonderful team and office, I could focus only on obtaining contracts and satisfying customer demands.

There are hundreds of legitimate possibilities available to individuals, but many are unaware of where to begin.

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[therapy101]

I’ve been thinking about writing this post for weeks, but then I get nervous and I don’t. Today’s the day.

It’s about one of my past mentors. I’ve been thinking about him- I rarely gender identify actual people but in this case it’s important that he is a he – I’ve been thinking about him a lot, lately.

Because I’ve had some pretty huge successes this last year. Because he didn’t think I would. And maybe I thought that if I just got to this point- this assistant professor point, this not needing his approval or his letter of recommendation ever again point, this actually-I-can-care-about-real-people-and-do-good-science point –if I just made it here, he would fade away and I would never think about him again or seethe about the way he treated me while secretly hoping he would fall all over himself congratulating me again. I would just be and he would disappear. But he didn’t, and just this morning I was reading his twitter feed, seething and hoping.

I met him in undergrad. He invited me to be one of his RAs, and later, his TA. He gave me responsibilities that most undergrads don’t get. He wrote me a letter of recommendation for graduate school and then got another faculty member to write one too when I didn’t have enough. I babysat and dog-sat for him. We met on campus, and off campus- usually in groups, but not always. He bought me dinner and wine. After I received an offer to attend the program where he had received his PhD, he tearfully told me the program wasn’t good enough for me and he knew I would accept a better offer. Once, he surprised me- I have a strong startle reflex and didn’t see him coming –and he apologized profusely for days.

He built me up.

He openly discussed the strengths and weaknesses of his students, and which he liked best, which seemed to be based on who obeyed him and agreed with him the most. He told me- explicitly –that I should try harder to be one of his favorites. He criticized everything I did. He called me on a major holiday to complain about a draft I’d sent him and demand immediate revisions. He watched the tapes of me collecting data for our studies, and saved sections he didn’t like so he could show them to me. He didn’t like my facial expression (too mean) or my tone of voice (too flat, which contrasts weirdly with a later supervisor who thought I talked like a “valley girl”). He expected more from me. When it was time for my evaluation, instead of giving me feedback on my performance, he gave me feedback on my personality. He thought I was directionless, overly ambitious, “lost.” He thought I was wasting my talents on clinical psychology, because –according to him –it was total bullshit, a pseudointellectual exercise that makes therapists feel good but doesn’t actually help anyone, although he also didn’t really believe that mental health mattered enough to study either. A real scientist would pursue something else, like data science. I cried. I told him something nearly no one knows, a deep hurt from my past. He told me something similar. It might have been intended to make me feel better, this sharing of secrets, but I felt exposed and ripped open and burdened.

He tore me down.

A number of the people in my life at that time- my ex-boyfriend, my parents –thought we were having an affair. We weren’t, and I don’t remember any moment I thought he was testing the waters in that direction. But years later, I was looking at a list of signs of emotional abuse, and it all fit. We had that up-and-down, toxic-but-dedicated relationship you expect out of people who are in love even though they’re terrible for each other. I probably did love him, but I also hated him. My friends and family got used to me complaining about the latest frustrating or mean thing he’d done. Eventually they stopped asking why I continued to work with him. My mother told me that the number one reason she was excited for my upcoming graduation from college was that it meant I would never have to work with him again.

And I haven’t. I moved on. We talked occasionally at first and met up once, which was an awkward disaster that lead to a long text chat where he, possibly drunk and definitely emotional, apologized for not valuing me more. I didn’t know what to say. I felt invaded. We didn’t talk for years after that. Every once in awhile he made an overture- “when you visit next, let’s get a drink!” –and I was carefully polite but non-committal. Which isn’t to say I didn’t want to see him- I did –but something had changed for me in that strange meeting after I started graduate school. He was still talking about favorite students and what I should do to be one of them, and I felt disdainful. Why does he think I want to be one of them? I had a new mentor, who believed that mental health care, science, and social justice were intricately connected, has never commented on my appearance or my voice, and treats all of their students like they matter. Since then, I have had many mentors and supervisors- most good to excellent. I have had conflicts with mentors, but was mostly able to resolve them in ways where I felt respected and heard. I was not reliant on his approval anymore.

And yet, here I am, about a decade later, and I want his approval. Maybe more than that- I want him to acknowledge the scale of my success and that I achieved it despite him. I want to know that he knows that he treated me poorly, and not in some soppy, in-my-feelings way. Possibly perversely, it reminds me of that same ex-boyfriend, another toxic relationship that tore me down even in the good moments, that relied on me undervaluing myself and so not expecting any better from him. I don’t miss that ex-boyfriend, but I find myself in some moments wishing that he would recognize what he did wrong and sincerely apologize for it- not because he wants me back (he’s apologized in a “things will be different!” sort of way before, and it rings hollow), but because it’s the right thing to do. Neither of these things will happen.

The last time I was in therapy, my therapist and I talked about closure. She said something I think about a lot: sometimes you need to create your own closure, because the person you want it from isn’t going to do it for you. I hoped reaching this point in my career would be my closure: I had proved him wrong. But I don’t feel it yet.

[cook98m-blog]

Improving your photo editor

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[reecaaah]

Quality as a Key Product in the Advancement of Globalization.

Somebody once told me that in choosing a career or building your own empire you have a lot of things to consider but the most important thing is doing what you love for a living. As a business administration student and a future entrepreneur, I have been longing to own a clothing business and I always told to myself to make it into reality someday. Clothing plays a big part in the daily life of a person at the same time it changes overtime because of the trend. I chose this type of business because it suits my interest as well as it makes me comfortable and I feel good about it. The first thing that pops up in my mind is the word “quality”. Quality has a big role in business transaction or a prevalence of something. It is actually characterized as being appropriate for its purpose at the same time fulfilling client desires.  

Quality items help to keep up consumer loyalty and devotion as well as diminish the danger and cost of replacing broken products. This will also affect my company’s reputation especially now that we have growing importance of social media and through that consumers can easily share great suppositions and analysis of the item. Having low quality or item disappointment will lead to negative exposure and can harm my business in the long run. As an entrepreneur, it is my duty to meet my customer’s expectation and if not, they will quickly look for other alternatives and that will result to the decrease of my sales. Quality is critical to fulfilling my clients and holding their faithfulness so they keep on purchasing from me in the future.

We, the makers or the producers accept that a quality item has nature of conformance, which implies that our items are structured and delivered to details. I believe that there are attributes of a producer’s view on quality and these are doing the correct thing, doing it the correct way and lastly doing it right the first run through.

On the other hand, a buyer's perspective on quality varies from a maker's point of view. Shoppers consider readiness for use, which implies that an item ought to do what it should do. Some customers are very meticulous because they would rather “choose comfort over style”. Regardless of what industry you’re involved in, customers aren’t going to choose solely based on price, however frequently on quality, they would rather pay on products or services that they think are made well or exceeds their standards.

Quality is multidimensional, it is very important to consider these dimensions upon dealing with customers and it can also be used for strategic analysis. The eight dimensions or the categories of quality are composed of the following: Performance, features, reliability, conformance, durability, serviceability, aesthetics, and perceived quality. These dimensions would be of great impact to my business idea for the reason that when it comes to performance it is often a wellspring of dispute among consumers and provider especially that my company is all about clothing, as an owner I have to make sure that the performance of an item regularly impacts the profitability and the reputation of the end-user of it. Features impact the quality of a clothing line product because as a provider I have to validate whether the design or the details of the item meets the interest of my target markets. Reliability also is a major supporter to my brand or my company’s image for the reason that it is viewed as a crucial element of value by most consumers and this includes techniques for reducing failure rates while products are still in the design stage. As a clothing line business, I have to make sure that my products are durable and able to provide comfort. The way it looks is important to the end user also especially if there are any faults or defects for the reason that these factors will affect my company’s identity. Overall, my part as a manager is to make sure that I’ve catered my consumers’ needs and preferences. Quality is not simply a problem to be solved rather it is a competitive opportunity.

I believe that entrepreneurs work their own organizations and handle obligations and that includes creating business plans, arranging financing, hiring staff, reviewing sales, developing marketing strategies, overseeing daily activities, and identifying business opportunities. With the proper implementation of Total Quality Management, everything flows easily. This method will help my business to grow fonder because it will serve as a strategy by which the management and workers can get associated with the constant improvement of the creation of merchandise and enterprises. It is somewhat a combination of quality and management tools planned to reduce losses due to inefficient practices. TQM can have a significant and helpful impact on worker and organizational development. having all workers center around quality administration and nonstop improvement, organizations can build up and maintain social qualities that make long-term accomplishment to the customers and the association itself.

According to Padhi (2002) in order to be successful in implementing TQM, an organization must concentrate on the eight key elements: Ethics, integrity, trust, training, teamwork, leadership, recognition and communication. In a working environment, it is important to have a positive attitude and apply these eight key elements because this will cultivate transparency, decency, genuineness and permits involvement by everyone inside the organization. I can say that these components are the key in the accomplishment of TQM in an association and that I, as future manager is playing a big part in building up these components in the work place. Without these components, the business substances can't be effective TQM implementers. As a future business owner, training is the key by which the association makes a TQM domain. Leadership and teamwork also go hand in hand. Absence in communication between departments, supervisors and employees create a burden on the whole TQM process. Last but not the least, recognition ought to be given to individuals who added to the general finished errand. Hence, I should lead by example and show others how it’s done, I have to train my workers how to give/make a quality item, how to create an environment where there is no dread to share information, and I should recognize a job well done to workers in order to achieve effective Total Quality Management inside the association.

[leopardprintismybrown]

2. We can spend hours working on the right sound.

Queen’s first concert in Japan, 1975. (From Music Life June Issue 1975)

Already popular in Japan, Queen caught fire with the third album SHEER HEART ATTACK, which follows QUEEN II. They performed for the first time in Japan in April and May 1975. After he recovered, even Brian took part to the interview, and they told us once again their opinions about the band’s origin and their released works.

**********************************************************

Weren’t you surprised that there were a lot of female fans gathered at the airport and at the hotel waiting to meet you?

RT: To be honest, all of us were expecting that a bit. However, to receive such a welcome was beyond our imagination. It’s an amazing thing. It’s a relief that there weren’t hysterical groups and exaggerations as it happened in the past. We were at the point that we couldn’t even take a step out of the hotel.

You played concerts in America before coming to Japan, right?

FM: That’s right. It’s been 4-5 months since we’ve left England and we’re travelling. The concerts started in England, we travelled Europe and then we went back to England for a little while for Christmas and right after that we started a long American tour. We stopped in Hawaii to take a rest for 2-3 days and we came here.

How was America’s reaction?

RT: It was a huge success. I think it was a very good trip. Since we performed in many other cities than we previously did, our confidence jumped out throughout this tour because we could finally make it even in America.

I know that it was a huge success in every city…

RT: Aaah, it’s unbelievable. North America was where we had the most resonance. Also, in both the East and the West Coast. I know that the records sold well in the East. However, the spark catches fire always later in the West Coast. The South is tiresome for English bands. But, in general, we received a good reaction in every city. The only exception was Texas.

FM: That was mainly the promoter’s fault.

Brian May: On the other hand, there was a fantastic resonance in New York and Los Angeles, we were happy. It made it possible for us to know that there is a new market, we felt that we gained strong supporters.

RT: From Boston, the most trend-aware place was Cleveland. While we were trying to visit America it was like visiting completely different countries. Everything is different depending on each state. You don’t have control over the communication between states.

Where are you going after Japan?

RT: We’ll be able to go back home! It will be a holiday after the harvest season (as John opens his mouth from the side to add: “Just for two, three days” everyone looks downhearted)

And then you’ll start the recording?

BM: Yes, of the next album.

Have you already planned the next album?

BM: Not clearly, yet. Many people asked us but, actually, it’s often impossible to predict what will be done until our recording isn’t completed. But I’m not talking about the (total) concept album or similar. We let things take their course. I think that the songs will probably be completed before we go to the studio, as it happened with our previous albums. But the only certain thing is that it will turn out to be something different than the previous albums.

RT: The sound is probably going to change so that it won’t end up being boring. This is because it already happened when we were always doing the same things.

When will the next album be released?

FM: I guess around Christmas. (and then he looks at the other members. They all say: “We’re not certain”) We want it released as fast as possible.

How long does it take to make an album?

FM: It takes a very long time. That’s why I think that it’s impossible that the next album comes out before Christmas. And I think this album will be in a different format. I guess it’s clear that we did the recording of all the three albums all at once. However, this album will allow us to take a little more time: to go back and resume recording after going on a trip or while taking a break sometimes. This is because ideas spring out better this way. We can’t wait to start, because it’s like something new is about to happen to us.

RT: This is a memory from America, but when we landed there we were a bit worried, because when we thought that our album was in the 100th position of the hit chart, it immediately fell off. But when we left America, both the album and the single were again ranked in the top 100 and they actually seemed to still rise in the chart. So we were relieved, finally.

Freddie, have you started any new compositions for the new album?

FM: No, I have a few ideas but I’m not good to the point of being able to write along the way. Anyway, I often do that away on tour, so I don’t stick to writing only in the peace of my home.

Do you like to mix down?

FM: We are people who spend a lot of time on anything.

RT: We can spend hours working on the right sound. If the back track is weak, we try to put a sound on it, if it’s not good, we start over. We spend a lot of time on overdubbing, too. Because we don’t have to worry about doing things in a rush. (Brian adds: “We also spend a considerable amount of time on cutting”)

Where do you do the cutting?

BM: At Trident Studios. But, lately, when we went there, we couldn’t quite obtain what we wanted. So we took the tape to America and, when we tried to do the cutting there, it turned out way better than what we did at Trident Studios. We did it at Mastering Lab in New York.

FM: Actually, we’re doing everything by ourselves: while we’re doing the cutting we’re also making the CD jacket at the same time. But it’s good to be absorbed in our work.

Then, could you tell us about the aim and the theme of the three albums released so far?

BM: Actually, we don’t set down. (he means that they don’t establish rules and standards) We just want to make an album that leaves achievements behind. But I suppose that the only album with such thing as a concept was our second one, QUEEN II. Though it was the result of a coincidence, or, more precisely, there was a Black Queen and a White Queen by coincidence.

FM: I think there’s one concept. The record recreates what we were trying to do at the time. People say that QUEEN II is a concept album. However, it’s no more than a step towards the direction we’re trying to take. I mean, we don’t set big plans before we start making a record. We did no more than what we wanted to do at the time.

BM: It’s such a ridiculous thing. They see us as we’re trying to look for something, though we’re not trying to do anything like that. You’ll get over pampered for that reason, and you’ll end up thinking that you have to work very hard and put devotion in what the others expect. But this is hard. It took a lot of time for us to get noticed. That’s why they may have said that “there is no youth”. But I always remember the music I used to listen when I was 10. We were constantly thinking “Aah, if only we had their chance” while listening to Led Zeppelin and The Who. It’s for this reason that we always roam about between the music of that time and the music we’re doing now.

It seems that you all were acquainted before Queen were formed.

BM: Yes, absolutely. Roger and I have known each other for a long time and both of us were hanging out with Freddie since before. We’ve got to know John quite recently. Around 4 years ago. (John nods)

Who’s the one that mainly writes the lyrics?

FM: We don’t decide who is in charge. Everyone writes compositions and then, usually, we add the lyrics, but all the members worked on “Stone Cold Crazy”. This is the first song for which all of us wrote the lyrics, but usually each one brings an outline of the song, listens to it with the other 3 and incorporates ideas.

Please tell us your favourite album among the three.

FM: Uhm, it’s difficult, because I like all three of them. If had to choose only one I’d say SHEER HEART ATTACK. Even when we released the first album I thought it was a very good one, but when I look back now, I think that it's getting better every time we release an album. There is no room for development if you’re satisfied with one thing. I really liked even the second album when it came out, it was exactly what we wanted. I think it’s a good one even when I listen to it now but in this way we’re learning something new with every work.

RT: I think that the best was SHEER HEART ATTACK.

BM: Mine is QUEEN II, for many reasons. Because you can feel that it’s a very intense album.

FM: All three are different. That’s why I like all the three albums. In QUEEN II there’s drama but in SHEER HEART ATTACK we decided that this wasn’t necessary.

Your lyrics are very ambiguos, are you doing that on purpose?

BM: We are proud of it.

RT: I don’t like bad language. Brian is a literary man. It's okay not to use slang, but my the grammar is messy and the spelling is wrong… (everybody bursts into laughter)

FM: It’s a hard work to add lyrics to a composition, indeed.

RT: If the record will get a bad reputation it’s because the spelling is wrong. (he laughs)

Does it bother you if you receive a bad review?

FM: It depends on what they write. If it’s a fair judgement, we don’t mind. There are also articles that we wonder if they were written after properly listening to the record. Because it really can hurt if you’re criticized on the wrong information. They not only wrote terrible things about our songs in the past, but it happened that they mistook who was playing which instrument. Those people didn’t clearly listen to the record. That is a completely unjustified slander. Because if those magazines are influential, many people will end up believing them.

On another note, is any of you married?

FM: No one is. We’re married to the music.

Brian, I heard you’ve been a school teacher?

BM: Yes, I’ve taught maths to students from 12 to 18 years old. It was more like a hobby to me because I did it as a representative teacher or a lecturer. It was truly a fresh and meaningful experience.

What was the occasion that led you to become a musician?

BM: There isn’t a particular occasion that led me to give up on teaching and become a musician. Music was the closest to what I wanted to do the most. It doesn’t mean that I made a change of direction, I can always teach again and do astronomy, if I feel like it. I like astronomy.

Freddie, you were an art college student?

FM: I studied for 3 years at Ealing. A graphics and illustration specialization course. At first, I took a fashion course but since I didn’t like it very much I switched to graphics. I still like to draw and collect pictures.

RT: He designed the band logo. The lettering of the Queen logo and all the other things were done by him.

Would you make a comment on the following groups? First, Led Zeppelin.

ALL: Amazing band. We did concerts at the same time in New Orleans and Los Angeles and we exchanged ideas. We’ve been friends since then.

Bad Company.

BM: A good band. Amazing singer and amazing drummer. We also get along with them. I think Paul Rodgers is really a great singer.

Average White Band.

ALL: Even though the records are great, the live performances are not good. It certainly is a good band but it doesn’t meet our tastes.

What are your plans for the future?

ALL: We’re going to have lunch for the time being. Because we haven’t eaten anything since morning. (they laugh)

We’re terribly sorry.

ALL: It’s fine, MUSIC LIFE is the first magazine that introduced us to Japan. And also, you write almost every month about us. We’re extremely grateful, so we’d do anything to cooperate. We want to take this opportunity to thank all the readers from the bottom of our hearts. Thank you very much, to all of you. We’re very glad that you’ve chosen QUEEN II as the “album of the year” in the popularity contest of MUSIC LIFE. A great trophy is the best present. Thanks again!

**********************************************************

T/N: Second interview from the Music Life special issue about Roger Taylor. As always, I am not an English native speaker, so forgive any possible error. Also, remember that translating into a foreign language is difficult and I hope I have preserved the original meaning.

[infernusvacua]

★ ASTARIA LUX ★ — Task #2: Mischief Managed

WAND

Aspen “Wand-quality aspen wood is white and fine-grained, and highly prized by all wand-makers for its stylish resemblance to ivory and its usually outstanding charmwork. The proper owner of the aspen wand is often an accomplished duellist, or destined to be so, for the aspen wand is one of those particularly suited to martial magic. An infamous and secretive eighteenth-century duelling club, which called itself The Silver Spears, was reputed to admit only those who owned aspen wands. In my experience, aspen wand owners are generally strong-minded and determined, more likely than most to be attracted by quests and new orders; this is a wand for revolutionaries.”

Dragon Heartstring “As a rule, dragon heartstrings produce wands with the most power, and which are capable of the most flamboyant spells. Dragon wands tend to learn more quickly than other types. While they can change allegiance if won from their original master, they always bond strongly with the current owner. The dragon wand tends to be easiest to turn to the Dark Arts, though it will not incline that way of its own accord. It is also the most prone of the three cores to accidents, being somewhat temperamental.”

14 ¼ in. Long “The wands measuring more than 14 inches are very unusual. Wizards and witches who have great self-esteem are preferred for these wands, because these owners mostly seek recognition and like to exhibit their prowess, being very honest about their personalities to everyone around them. They may, however, not consider their own points to be amended in some cases. If these wizards and witches come to accept some characteristics as flaws and learn how to hold them back eventually, the wand will increase in magical efficiency.”

Reasonably supple “'Stable wands' include those characterized as slightly yielding, slightly springy, reasonably supple, and all swishy wands. These tend to choose owners who seek perfection in their magic and try to plan things for a long-run. ... The perfectionists may be chosen by reasonably supple wands, for these wands perform consistent magic without getting tired of repetitions and keep improving their results each time.”

HOGWARTS HOUSE

Slytherin — cunning, ambitious, resourceful, shrewd, determined

Astaria would be reasonably pleased to be placed in Slytherin, given her love of snakes and her extremely ambitious streak. She fits perfectly amongst the cunning students of this house—she’s a calculating and intelligent woman who gets what she wants when she wants it. She has put great effort into achieving the lavish lifestyle she currently enjoys. But where a Hufflepuff would put their back into it and work hard, Astaria has gotten to the top through keen business acumen, stepping on others when needed, and taking advantage of opportunities when she sees them. She’s not one to roll over when the going gets tough; she just prefers to find less troublesome means of meeting her goals. Work smart, not hard, as the saying goes. Additionally, Astaria is extremely loyal, though she tries to temper this as her ability to get attached to others has gotten her in trouble in the past. Nevertheless, once she deems someone worthy of her time and effort, she will commit herself to them in every way. There’s no telling the blood madame ‘no’. She’ll just find a way to make you say ‘yes’.

It should be noted, however, that Astaria would have attended Beauxbatons Academy of Magic and not Hogwarts, due to being French. And as such, she would have a very strong sense of superiority over anyone from Hogwarts that would nevertheless fit well with Slytherin.

PATRONUS

Arctic Fox

“Associated with cunning, the fox has a place in many ancient cultures’ folklore. Foxes are sometimes thought to be tricksters, leading the unsuspecting down a path of demise. The calculating fox can outwit its enemies with strategy and adaptability.”

Astaria’s patronus is no common red fox. Though she might not cast it often, on the rare occasions that she does so, the small stature and shining white fur clear of any markings would immediately reveal it to be an Arctic fox. Arctic foxes are remarkably hardy little creatures who endure some of the harshest environments in the world. They dodge predators much larger and more powerful than themselves to survive, and have keen senses of smell that both alert them to other predators and allow them to find even the most elusive prey under 2 feet of snow. They are very opportunistic hunters, and while it is rare, some very lucky individuals of the species can live up to 10 years in the wild, double the life expectancy of the red fox. It’s no wonder then that this beautiful and resilient beast is a perfect match for Astaria.

OTHER

Amortentia — Nighttime Garden Some of Astaria’s fondest memories are evenings spent enjoying a beautiful garden with friends. Flowers in bloom all around her, filling the night air with their heady perfume, while cherry blossom petals float gently around her and soft candle- or lamp-light illuminates the scene. Roses, lilies, lavender, peonies, and the subtle fragrance of daffodils all around her. Notes of a flavorful red wine or a strong tea blend in with the more recent addition of fresh blood, making Amortentia smell to her like a Parisian night of vampiric delights.

Boggart — Rats Astaria is the thing people fear in the dark, with fangs and sharpened nails waiting to strike. But even she is afraid of something, and that something happens to be rats. Rats and mice are much easier for her to deal with when they’re already dead and just being fed to her snakes—live ones are a totally different matter. A boggart confronting her could either present her with an enormous, rabid rat waiting to chew her face off, or it could split into a whole colony of them, ready to swarm over and suffocate her to death. Either way, at the first sign of a bald tail, Astaria would be shrieking her head off.

[emeraldspiral]

Kim Possible hot takes coming through.

So, I should preface this by saying I never hated the show, I found it perfectly watchable and I don’t think Kim is unlikable or morally questionable or enough of a creator’s pet to qualify as a Mary-Sue. But I remember even as a kid, from the very first advertisements for the show, the way she was framed always rubbed me the wrong way. Like, they wanted Kim to be a Strong Female Role Model For Girls before they wanted her to be have any kind of authentic humanity. That’s not to say she didn’t have any personality or flaws. It’s just that, like with Rey in TROS, they kinda gave her a toxic mindset but played it like it was a good thing.

Like, with other types of role model characters like Superman, you never get the impression that the writers are saying that it’s reasonable to expect the average person to bench press skyscrapers and stop alien overlords from taking over the earth on your lunch break. The idea behind Superman as a role model is that he uses the power he has to help people instead of using it for selfish personal gain or to bully people and doesn’t compromise on his moral principles even when it’s hard.

With Kim, it often felt like they were trying to sell you on the idea that any girl could be like her, in the sense of having the ability to not only do anything but everything. Unlike almost every other superhero, Kim’s personal life never really suffers from her crime fighting activities. She’s a straight-A student, captain of the cheer squad, has only ever gotten detention once for being tardy a total of like, 3 times, and I don’t recall her ever angsting about the people close to her being targeted by supervillains.

One of the earliest episodes that always stood out to me started with Kim being called out by her squad for being late all the time. Her rival Bonnie makes the perfectly reasonable argument that if her crime fighting keeps her too busy to honor her commitment to the team then she should step down as cheer captain and let someone else with more free time takeover. But Bonnie is painted as being a conniving glory hound for daring to make this suggestion. Kim then spends the whole episode trying to prove she can balance both tasks. In any other show she might’ve really struggled with that and ultimately realized she was taking on too much responsibility. But instead, she does a perfectly fine job and she’s only threatened by Bonnie upstaging her with grand displays. In the end, she abdicates her position. Not because she’s realized that Bonnie was actually right, but because she expects that Bonnie will get burnt out and decide she doesn’t want the job anymore after two weeks. And indeed, after that episode Kim is back to being cheer captain and the issue never comes up again. So, the burden of being cheer captain is supposed to be too much for Bonnie, but not for Kim, who has way more on her plate. In what way are we meant to read that as anything but the narrative calling Bonnie lazy and venerating Kim for being hyper-competitive and achievement driven?

A couple episodes have Kim getting upset about not being instantly perfect at something, like cooking for driving, but even those episodes end with Kim getting the hang of it. I didn’t watch every episode, especially the later season ones, but I don’t remember Kim ever having to just accept that she straight up sucks at something or more than that, having her perfectionism really called out as a character flaw. There’s even an episode where Kim, who’s already a straight-A student, gets partnered up with a genius for a class project who doesn’t want Kim to contribute. Kim then feels the need to prove herself to this girl by studying whatever field of science she was an expert in until she had enough of an understanding to keep up with her. So it’s not enough for her to thrive and excel as much as she already does. She has to devote whatever time and energy has leftover after regular coursework, cheer leading, and saving the goddamned world to studying something, not because it interests her, but because she needs to earn the respect of a genius?

A thoughtful, realistic depiction of Kim would’ve called this behavior out as a pathological disorder. Things she does because she’s desperate for control or afraid of not being liked, or incapable of seeing value in herself outside of her achievements or usefulness to others, like Korra or Steven Universe. But Kim’s always portrayed as perfectly well-adjusted.

Batman, Spider-Man, Iron-Man, and even Superman are all regularly called out on how much responsibility they take on and the toll it takes on their physical and mental health and their relationships. What makes their actions truly heroic is how much they sacrifice to perform them. And its not depicted as aspirational when they let the guilt that drives them to make those sacrifices lead them to give up so much that they never get to be happy. Bruce Wayne ends up old and alone in Batman Beyond because he could never move on from his parents’ death and retire until a moment came that made him too ashamed to continue, and it’s a tragedy. But in The Dark Knight Rises, he DOES move on and the narrative celebrates him for releasing himself of his burden.

But with Kim Possible, they want to have their cake and eat it too. Give her all the perks of being awesome at everything without showing any of the drawbacks, the hardship, the sacrifice, or anything even remotely implying that her lifestyle isn’t 100% healthy, desirable, and achievable. Which is not a great message to send to young people, given how many struggle with the idea that they’re not achieving enough, even when they’re doing perfectly fine or have legitimate struggles that prevent them from “keeping up” with their peers.

And it’s this kind of writing that was considered acceptable in Kim Possible that ended up ruing Rey’s character in TROS. Vindicating her for wasting her life waiting for her parents. Attributing her darkness to Palpatine instead of the trauma and resentment of her abandonment. Refusing to call her out on her impulsive temper. Walking back on challenging her idolization of Luke. Paying lip-service to the idea of her realizing she’s not alone and has people in her life that she can rely on, only to cast her dyad partner aside and force her to fight the final battle alone. Ending her story with her as a solitary Strong Independent Woman after she spent her entire life desperately craving a family. Refusing to depict her grief over the loss of her literal soulmate. All in the name of promoting GURL POWER. This idea that girls can and should do anything and everything by themselves, without help, and it should be easy. Cost them nothing. Take no effort. Have no ugly consequences or side effects.

[meditativeyoga]

Thoughts on Thinking During Meditation

Knowing what to do with your wandering ideas is perhaps the greatest challenge for meditators.

At my initial official interview with Suzuki Roshi, I didn't know exactly what to state. Perhaps I truly could not assume of just what to state, or absolutely nothing I was assuming was worth saying. I was young as well as sincere, and also I intended to make an excellent impression. After a number of mins of resting silently facing each various other, I started to relax and also Suzuki took the initiative.

"How's your meditation?"

"Not so good," I replied.

"What's not so good?"

"I'm thinking a lot."

' And what's the problem with reasoning?' he asked.

That baffled me. When I looked straight for the problem with thinking, I could not discover it. My fallback position was to inform him the do's and also do n'ts of meditation.

' You're not expected to think in reflection,' I said. 'You're expected to peaceful your mind.'

' Thinking is quite regular, do not you think?'

I needed to concur with the Roshi, that then described that the trouble with thinking was not assuming in itself, however believing that was stuck.

When people tell me reflection is 'tough,' just what they really indicate is that quieting their minds or quiting their reasoning is exactly what's challenging. And equally as I was as a new student, they are exceptionally reluctant to take a look at the problem more carefully. It's not so straightforward. When it is not simple, the most basic strategy is to adhere to the rules.

I've known people who have seriously dedicated themselves to 'not-thinking,' and when I ask them if they contacted us to allow their friends know that they would be late, they say, 'No, I really did not think about that.' This is not a new phenomenon. An old Chinese Zen Master when stated, 'Several of you are taking me actually when I claim, 'Do not believe,' as well as you are making your minds like a rock. This is a reason of insentiency as well as a blockage to the Method. When I state not to assume, I imply that if you have a thought, assume absolutely nothing of it.'

Mind Against Mind

The capability to think is a vital aspect of our lives. We should plan, make choices, as well as communicate. The trouble is not that we assume yet that we haven't had an absolutely new assumed for the majority of our life time. In various other words, our thinking is fixed.

For example, once I think no person likes me, do you assume I'm going to let anything alter my mind? No other way. I could explain any type of contradictory evidence: You do not understand me all right, if you actually recognized me, you wouldn't like me, you are just acting to like me so you could obtain something out of me. Believing has the tendency to be for and versus-- and also to be intolerant of ideas that do not clearly concur. This is usually referred to as 'the condition of the mind is to establish mind against mind.'

Rather than eliminate thinking, you could claim that of the basic skills to develop in reflection is to be able to hold and also maintain contradictory thoughts-- soothing the impulse to remove the resistance. One noticeable instance involves sitting still. You desire to rest still, so can you have the thought to removal and also take place sitting still? Or do you have to do exactly what the thought says?

If resting still indicates getting rid of the thought of removaling, you might discover reflection challenging-- because the method to get rid of ideas is to tighten up muscle mass, as well as this makes resting rather painful. Hanging on to an idea, such as, 'I am not going to relocate,' also tightens up muscular tissues. This is just what you are busy doing a good deal of the moment, so if you are serious concerning releasing as well as soothing the body and also the mind, thoughts are mosting likely to be turning up together. The technique is not to mind.

You could say that the point of reflection is to liberate thinking, as well as comprehending this, you prepare to examine just what to do with believing during meditation. There are 2 standard approaches. One is to do something various other compared to believing and to utilize your assuming to aid achieve that. The various other is to provide your thinking something to do apart from just what it normally does.

It's important to keep in mind that the goal is not to eliminate your thinking. I hear this all the moment: 'I'm so tired my thinking. I simply wish to remove it once and for all.' Your thinking recognizes you wish to get rid of it, so it is mosting likely to hold on to you for all it's worth.

So exactly what do you perform with thinking throughout meditation? This first strategy, which is fundamental to Buddhism, especially Zen, emphasizes stance and also breathing. With power as well as commitment, provide your focus totally to them rather than to your thinking.

This suggests stressing a straighter spine, consisting of the tiny of the back rounded somewhat in and also the neck long. However don't be reluctant about asking your thinking to aid when required. Is the neck reducing as well as the chin sticking out forward? That's a red flag that thinking remains in complete bloom, when your thinking notices that, lengthen your neck. You could additionally have your reasoning matter the breaths, claim on the exhalation, or note the breath as it continues in and also out.

Any Questions?

The second strategy includes providing your believing a task. Excellent means of doing this include koan research study, the vipassana method of keeping in mind, and also any host of other creative ventures. You could challenge your thinking with certain questions, such as, 'Just what was your original face prior to your parents were birthed?' (Chew on that for some time.) Or you might exercise taking psychological notes, as proper: 'thinking,' 'evaluating,' 'planning,' 'keeping in mind,' 'rage,' 'happiness,' 'seeing,' or 'hearing.'

There is also the koan of day-to-day live: Ask your reasoning, 'What is it you really desire?' or 'Exactly what is the most important point?' Any type of among these activities can maintain assuming occupied. In a sense, what you are doing is welcoming your reasoning to join you in reflection instead of attempting to omit it. This is similar to how you might deal with a kid, describing, 'Below's just what we are doing, practicing meditation, and also I would like you to assist me by observing stance, noticing the breath, or whatever it is we are concentrating on.'

A 3rd approach is making an offer with your reasoning: Leave me alone for now and I'll examine back with you later. The trick here is that you are not attempting to get rid of your thinking completely, just temporarily. This resembles the parent-child model: 'Pay attention sweetheart, I am really active today, so please never mind me. Could you play on your own for some time? And later we will play together.' You directly ask your believing to leave you alone-- to suspend judgment, gossip, and commenting so you can meditate-- as well as concur to gathering later to hear what your thinking has to say.

But despite having this technique, your thinking often could be really questionable. I found out the best ways to take care of this challenge from a speech specialist when I had problem sharing myself at meetings.

' Inform me what you wanted to claim,' she prompted.

' I can't.' When she wondered why not, I discussed: 'My reasoning won't allow me. It states it won't be great sufficient.'

She provided some directions: 'Ask your thinking to go into the area following door while you talk, as well as guarantee that you will certainly check back with it when you are done.'

"It won't go."

"There's a television there."

' It doesn't think I'll inspect back.'

"Promise."

' It still won't go,' I lamented.

' Shut the door! Pressure it shut!' she insisted.

Finally, I informed her just what I had actually desired to say at the meeting. 'Now, allow's ask your thinking exactly what it thought,' she claimed. My reasoning delighted in and also relieved to be gotten in touch with: 'That was rather excellent,' it told me. Yet my speech professional had not been completed. 'As well as currently let's ask your thinking if it has any type of ideas for improvement?'

My reasoning was so happy and politely responded, 'You might have attempted this or stressed that a bit extra.'

This was a basic change from the a lot more habitual technique of simply telling my believing to disappear and not 'bother' me. Below, I asked my believing to be silent so as to very closely observe what was occurring-- and after that tell me about it.

Always be conscious that you and your thoughts are intending to find interesting, innovative, pleasurable methods to practice meditation-- as well as methods to live, stir up, as well as advantage each other. Consider your reasoning not as an enemy but as a spiritual friend.

Edward Espe Brown is a Zen clergyman as well as the author of The Tassajara Bread Book and Tomato True blessings and Radish Teachings.

[apotatomashedbybts]

I'll be your Knight

[ GENRE: fluff, slight angst

Pairing: Jimin×Reader , Taegi

Soulmate!Taehyung, best friend!Yoongi

Word count: 2k+]

[Summary: When Y/n met Jimin she knew that it was a love at first sight. But she didn't expect the consequences that came with loving him. After their unwilling separation will Y/n be able to do what it takes to get him back?

A story of love, loss, fight, dreams, and friendship...]

Chapter I: My Best Friends

The hustle bustle of the airports never failed to amaze me. The Incheon Airport was no exception. Landing here I realized how much I missed my hometown, the air, the people, the stories. I hoped nothing much changed in my two years in UK. It's my last year in university. The university conducts a student exchange program for the last year students every year for six months and I was lucky enough to get transferred to SNU.

                                 I breathed in the air and looked at my watch. My best friend Taehyung was supposed to pick me up from the airport. I told him that I'd call him once I have landed but I was in no hurry. Spending time and observing people in populated areas is one of my favourite things to do. So many people and each one of them have so many stories to tell. 

                        My thoughts got cut off in the middle by the beeping sound of my phone.

After waiting for about half an hour I saw the signature boxy smile that I am so much used to since childhood approaching me. I felt the warmth spread in my heart in this chilly winter. He crossed the crowd with much efficiency and hugged me tightly. After hugging me for good five minutes he let me breath. I saw his eyes twinkle with mischief.

"So, I may or may not have a surprise for you." Tae said giggling.

"You gotta be kidding me! I have a surprise for you too!"

"Wait! Why are you wearing that ridiculous hat? You never cover your hair like that. It can't be what I think it is!!"

With one swift movement Tae removed both of our hats revealing our hairs and I knew that we shouldn't be surprised but still we were. Both Tae and I had dyed our hair the same colour, frosty chestnut with green highlights.

                                    We have been best friends and soulmates too since childhood. There were enough evidences about that since we met. We both were born on the same day at the same time. I don't know if this could be considered as a soulmate sign or not but I do believe it as one. Our first meeting was not that eventful though. Tae moved into our neighborhood when we were in kindergarten. We became friends and as days went by we became inseparable. We can tell what the other is thinking about a certain matter whether or not we look into each others eyes about almost everything. If one of us is extremely happy or sad or any other emotion is really strong then the other one of us can feel it, the distance doesn't matter. One can think that may be we are in a relationship. That's true though, we are indeed in a relationship, the soulmate relationship. Soulmates don't always necessarily have to be lovers, do they? No, we are not lovers, we are best friends.

                     Seeing that I realized how much I missed Tae. I hugged him once more tightly as a drop of tear trickled down my cheek. In my heart I could feel that Tae too was feeling as heavy and at the same as happy as I was.

                        On our way back we kept on arguing on who looks better with the hair colour. After we got in the car the ride was like the normal ones Tae and I have always had. Tae blasted the car's music system and we sang and screamed along with it. Our daily car ride routine also included stopping at multiple ice cream and candy stores. Today wasn't any different.

                 All these took us an hour before we arrived home. When mum opened the door I literally jumped into her arms. Dad was standing behind mum smiling and signalling me to hug him too. Gosh! I missed this warmth and homely feeling too much. The coffee shop near the university campus was the only place where I could confine whenever I felt homesick.

                Taking a quick shower I came down to the dining room. All of them were waiting for me. A person was missing though, and I know where he was.

"Yea! Finally strawberry pie!!" Tae screamed like a child. Mom and dad laughed at his antics as they always do. I am so used to these things that I just rolled my eyes and smacked him, but deep down I smiled as I always do.

  "Yah!" He cried and then whispered in my ear "that didn't hurt~!" and made faces at me. I made faces at him back.

Mom said controlling her smile," yah! You two! Stop bickering and eat!"

           Looking at his plate, Tae whined,"You promised me that you'll give me a whole pie! That's not fair!"

           Mom couldn't control her laughter. She said,"Calm down Mr. Tae Tae, I made another two pies, give one to your parents and treat yourself one. Ok? Are you happy now?"

                 Hearing this Tae grinned from ear to ear and giggled like a baby that he is.

                         I hoped that evenings like these were permanent in my life.

                      Suddenly mom jerked me,"Hey where's your mind? You still didn't comment on the pie!" 

I made my eyes as much big as I could and said," You know what the bubbles in my stomach are saying after eating this pie? Unbeliebubble."

                   Dad laughed so hard at this joke that I was startled at first and then I started laughing too. Mom didn't know how to react to this and Tae facepalmed saying," ISTG! If you don't stop hanging out with Seokjin hyung then I'll find myself a new best friend."

"You can't do that because no one is going to survive your insanity like I do. Besides Jinnie is my only closest friend back there who can keep me sane when I miss you all like crazy!" I replied hugging mum. And Tae made the perfect guess,"I bet you spend more time in Jin hyung's cafe than any other places in the campus!" I looked at my mum and smiled sheepishly.

"You should tell Jin to visit us someday here. He is a lovely boy!" Mom said while putting the dishes away. "Of course mum, he is the loveliest boy!" said this mischievous best friend of Tae while sticking out a tongue at him.

                         Suddenly I remembered and asked Tae, "Hey aren't you going to the underground club today?"

"Which day is it?" asked a calm Tae.

"Saturday, you dumb head!"

"Oh shit! I can't miss Yoongi hyung's performance! Go get ready quickly, we are leaving in fifteen!"

                            Our friend circle is incomplete without Yoongi. Min Yoongi, the parent in our group of three, the protector, the rapper, the brilliant musician and our best friend. Missing him had always made me realise his role in our lives and his qualities distinctively. Since childhood whenever Tae and I got into any problem Yoongs protected us.

                             When Tae and I first started going to middle school we used to get bullied a lot. Specially me because I was really weak looking and in order to save me Tae also got bullied. After the third month Yoongs noticed us and told off the bullies. For some reason they were all afraid of him. But we knew that he was one of the sweetest person ever. After that Tae almost everyday began to hang out with him and seeing Tae me too went to hang out with Yoongs. In spite of being two years older than us he became a permanent and vital part of our group. And surprisingly enough his home was in the same neighborhood.

                             Four years ago when Yoongs started performing at the underground club "Youth" we never missed his performances. As his friends we were his greatest supporters and Tae was his biggest fanboy. Even after I went away Tae never stopped attending and he always took videos so that I never miss a single performance. But videos and video calling is a thing and seeing everyone and everything in person is another.

                         I hadn't told Yoongs that I was coming back today and told Tae to not tell him. "It's a surprise!" I smiled thinking about it. I noticed that there was something unusual when the car didn't take the turn it was supposed to take. Instead it was going to the middle of the city. Well, I love surprises so I controlled my curiosity. When the car stopped in front of "Young Forever", one of the biggest underground clubs in Seoul, Tae noticed me while laughing that I couldn't close my opened mouth. I was too shocked to say anything. I never ever imagined that I could come here. Now I realized why Tae told me to dress up properly and why did he stopped at his house to change too. It was like a dream come true specially for Yoongs.    

                                  I clearly remembered whenever we used to have a sleepover in any of our houses we would build blanket forts and in all those sleepless nights Yoongs would go on about his dreams, Tae and I would stare at his starry eyed and wonder what it would be like to dream and achieve. I guess dreams do come true, sooner or later. And this was just a start for Yoongs.

                      Tae got special passes from Yoongs by which at least two people could get inside. So we were let in with a bow. This treatment made me feel as if I was a royal. I smiled to myself and told Tae,"So this is what feels like to be a royal, like a princess!"

Tae was about to say something but we were already in front of the stage and Yoongs performance was about to start. He had changed his earlier stage name from Suga to Agust D. Except the habit of saying "Suga" so much had changed but I wasn't ready for THIS! This level up was on another level.

We hyped him from the audience as we have always done. But I clearly felt a tinge of a feeling that one feels when you're really happy seeing someone whom you really love and I clearly knew where that feeling was coming from. I looked at him and noticed the heart eyes he was giving to Yoongs.

"Does Yoongs even know about this?" I thought to myself. "I have to do something about them!" and I facepalmed mentally.

                    Yoongs' performance ended after an hour and it got the most applause from the audience. He didn't even notice us while performing. We went to the backstage and Yoongs looked at us as if he was totally expecting us, tch tch, expecting Tae. But when he realised that it was me beside Tae, he looked as if he had seen the sun rising from the west. "I'll be damned." was his first response. I have never been fond of gummy smiles other than his.

                                 "Can I have an autograph please Mr. Min Yoongi? I am a really big fan of yours."

  "Yah! this kid!" Yoongs tilted his head slightly and shook his head smiling. No one calls us kid other than Yoongs and we love that, totally.

"Today's my treat, let's go to aunt's restaurant. After you left we almost stopped going there." Yoongs said while hugging me.

  "So you are rich now! We have been saved from poverty oh God!" I exclaimed dramatically.

  "Will you ever stop being so dramatic? And FIY I am not that rich, not yet, and that's why I am treating you there at aunt's place. Plus the club  is going to pay me a decent amount on the days I perform here, you know high class priorities and all."

                  Tae snatched Yoongs from me and with the boxy smile permanent on his face he rushed us out.

       The ride to aunt's kimchi place was a total insane one. We recorded Yoongs' performance at the club, so we played it all along the way on car's speakers and jammed and screamed loudly with it while bopping our heads with every power in our body. Yoongs was scolding us as loudly as he could while driving but I knew he was happy, a lot. 

Other chapters

A/N: So, another story, another au, a new series. I hope you guys will like it. Please do leave reviews. Thank you for reading. The next part will be uploaded a few days later. Love you 💜💜💜

And a special thank you to @indecisivefangirling for making me realise that soulmates aren't necessarily lovers. Love you sweetheart 💜

[a1d6i]

Can’t Breathe

On this series, we are going to discuss a much more pressing problem, the one that directly damages us, infiltrates our relationships, mortifies our values and crushes our mindset. It/He/She/They are called “Toxins”. Yup, you read it right, because contaminants can take in both gas and solid forms and could murder you physically and mentally. In this very serious series, we are going to answer these three major questions, Who/What are these toxins? Am I toxic? How can I breathe in freely, in my stressful, toxic working environment? Don’t worry; we’ll get to the answers.

Did you know that an estimate of 4.6 million people die annually because of air pollution. It is sure enough that the pollution is brought about by the mass accumulation of garbage, which both contains and releases very harmful toxins, which flies freely above us and corrupt both our atmosphere and good health. I may not be a resident World Health Organization researcher, but I’ll confidently say that 7.6 billion individuals is still wrestling daily with their toxic schedules, toxic classmate or workmate, toxic boss, or even a total stranger you walked past by the other day, who roughly pushed past by you, without even bothering to apologize. YEAH, I feel you, regardless of the effort you put on concealing all your disappointments by trying to put on a very big and convincing smile to attract positivity and good people and moments, there will always be THIS, THIS ONE mood terminator and party crasher that would directly or indirectly ruin your day. Remember, even if that awful scheme was intentionally designed or not to make others see that leashed beast inside, it is still you who is in charge, holding that wheel, your emotions, decisions and response.  But how? How? HOW could I get rid of that person or thing that never fails to bother and stop me from doing what is required of me? Well, I’ll help you through in the most simple, practical and decent ways possible.

All people, things and events are good, don’t forget that. The expression, “toxic” serves as an adjective to the persona we are talking about. Let us clear thoughts up; we despise the actions or attitude of the person, not him or her. We dislike the object not because of its appearance, but probably of its current lack of significance. We hate attending purposive events or enthusiastically sign in to demanding schedules, not because it provides no whatsoever substance or benefit at all, but maybe because at the moment, the instance’s time slot does not fit on our perfectly arranged timetable or our habits and routines mismatch the supposedly perfect work hours. The truth is, we can’t deal with all circumstances and expect them to swiftly turn out in our favor, but at least we could try to make things more soothing to us, not to mention attempting to lessen the stressfulness they bring.

1.    Dealing with Toxic People (Special Mention: Feeling Class Clown Classmate or Supremely Overconfident Officemate)

 Once in our years in school or working career, we surely have had encountered this particular classmate who breaks up the serious silence during the lecture and starts cracking up a joke that isn’t to the littlest extent, even funny, that it makes the hairs on the back of your head stand up and the blood in your bloody boil a hundred degrees Fahrenheit, or maybe that officemate who talks out loud and boasts around his/her Best Employee of the Week award, while you are sitting on your office cubicle trying to focus on the pile of papers that seem to never lessen, and not to mention, the worst part is that he/she would walk past by every co-worker’s booth and give a very uninteresting narrative on how he/she got a pay raise or that gleaming award, and also giving you tips on how to earn one yourself. Really? Honestly, he/she just won the award once, and now he/she feels like the office superhero? You may probably be thinking, “Yeah, enjoy the moment, but as soon as this week or month ends, I’ll get that salary increase, promotion or award, I am too hardworking, to get ignored!” Anger and Irritation are natural feelings of a human being, if you don’t express these the most conservative way you can, you may instantly die of failing to release every bad feeling or thought you have in store. But also remember that we must be careful of the things we would say to others, because intentionally or not, you may be hurting and down casting the person you are talking to, and your angry outburst is never an excuse for all the mindless deeds and words that you might say and do.

 Envy, Hatred and an Overdose of Self-Confidence are the sensations hell wants you to feel when you encounter a toxic person, who keeps nagging you directly or indirectly, or has succeeded in reaching something that you haven’t. Watch yourself! You avoid these individuals not because you want to be like them, but because you don’t want to emulate their actions. I personally don’t see toxic people as hindrances, but as disturbances. Hindrances are big things which block your way to achievement and it is a requirement for you to remove this yourself, it’s like getting rid of a large boulder in the middle of the smooth road, which prevents your car from passing the other side.  Disturbances are small things that block you from accomplishing, it is widespread, and there is nothing you can do about it. It is like driving through a rocky road or encountering a pebble in the middle of the road, and in both of these situations, you do not need to get off the car or go down to that stone’s level, you just have to swerve away from it or simply kick it aside.

There is NOTHING you could do to get rid of a toxic person; there are reasons why he/she is like that, or you’ll harshly say, it’s in his/her DNA. It would be improbable for you to get off your chosen and favoured track just because of that disturbance, but if you think you could still handle, just IGNORE them, and keep performing. You’ll see, once you start diverting your attention to worthwhile activities, instead of wasting your time and vocabulary judging that toxic person and plotting mischievous tricks to get him/her expelled or fired, things will later turn out to be much clearer.

  2.    Dealing with Toxic Schedules (Seriously, I’ll wake up that early, and study or work for this long?)

 Trust me, studying or working during unwanted time periods would make your head ache much worse than dealing with toxic people. Imagine, waking up at 5 in the morning to get ready for your 8 am call time, then work ends at around 5 or 6 pm, plus you have to travel home from work or school, I think I may not have pointed out, the traffic and the line to the commute vehicle. We surely have wondered why the school or workplace expected the students or workers to sign in that early or even work on a Saturday, and end quite lately. Truthfully, I, myself, tried to make a school schedule, which matches my favorite subjects with my most productive days and hours, while stacking the boring subjects on Saturday. Proudly, it didn’t work, I found it hard, I realized that putting all the fun in one area turns out to be pretty uninteresting, and piling up the least favoured subjects on the other, also turned to be much worse than assumed. The difference between toxic people and so called toxic schedules is that we could escape from the reach of people, but never the grapple of inescapable schedules. Inescapable? Yes! It sounds scary, but at least it is adjustable. Manageable in a way that you could time your sleep and do your leisure earlier when you are needed in the morning and time other events later if you are on a night shift. Our Resilience towards time is tested every time we wake up and suit up for work and study and whenever we survive the day’s challenges. It must be our goal to always catch up with everyday demands and try to lessen our stubbornness as best as we can.

 3.    Dealing with the Boss (So, I am required to work this hard, plus I have to deal with that monster? Honestly I wonder why no one demands a salary increase, or had? It’s ok. I’m fine!)

I know that you might be thinking why your boss was not talked about in the category of workmates, and instead categorized differently. Is it because he/she has a higher ranking than us, special, or I know, classified as an alien, YES! Definitely he/she is a rude Martian! But I hate to break it to you, these fun assumptions are all wrong. I characterized the “Boss” differently, because the title represents, “Superiority”.  Yes, it’s true that all of us, even me, supremely desire to be the boss of our actions, captain of our time and act as supervisor to other people, but then and again, it mostly never happens all at once. We find some superiors, ill tempered, impolite, demanding, terrifying and unfair, in short, we equate boss to all things negative. But why do some see high ranking officials as a beast? Ah! because it’s in their nature, an attitude that must be absorbed when they sit on the high chair! Quite right, quite incorrect. If I declare you right now as boss of an office, a department or even a multimillion dollar company, would you take the position? Most may reply, “Sure I would take it; it’s the best offer I have ever got!” Let’s see, I assure you that not a day would pass without you demanding the best of results from the people who work for you, shouting to the top of your lungs because you need to chase the company’s deadline or breaking down because of the massive calls you receive per hour. Then you’ll be like, “Oh, so that is the reason behind that bad hair day or frowning face every time I walk across his/her office.” In defense of the bosses, they are the reasons why you are working happily and earning continually in your work and they demand, because they know you could do more on what you just had presented. I am not really sure if your boss is just putting on his/her work face on, to look fierce and strong, or if the attitude that he/she is showing is really genuine, but it may be considered true that all his/her actions are for the best of your team.

If you still don’t believe me, trust that with your continuous hard work, patience and dedication, you’ll soon achieve that “BOSS” title. Nothing comes easy; you never know the hardships that he/she endured before being the master of the pack. Keep grinding.  

4.    Dealing with Toxic Stranger (Excuse me, do you mind? I see he/she doesn’t. All right! After a bad day, this happens. Don’t worry! I can still manage.  But I think I can manage a text or call at least.)

The toxic stranger represents the unexpected and uncalculated situations which disturb us in whatever we are doing. It may be a shocking emergency, the sudden appearance of an arch enemy or an upturn of supposedly happy events, whatever it is; that holds you back from fulfilment, is considered as a toxin. Unlike your classmate or workmate that is predictable and anytime ignore, strangers are unpredictable, stealthy and means to ruin you from head to toe. That is why it is necessary that we should continually raise our guards and not let anything drive us away from our destination. More about this topic would be intensely talked about in this series.

Nest time, we are going to examine your Toxicity Level, determine whether you are a toxin or not to others and convert that feeling of toxicity to a much cleaner, breathable air of freshness.

[zukalations]

CARNIVAL #10: Ashizawa Jin interview with Akatsuki Chisei

Ashizawa Jin’s 2015 interview column was called CARNIVAL. This interview with Akatsuki Chisei was published in the October 2015 issue of GRAPH.

CARNIVAL #10: Ashizawa Jin interview with Akatsuki Chisei

Something about Akatsuki Chisei makes me think of a young highschool baseball player passionately taking on the challenge of Koushien. It’s her youth and energy. Although her cuteness still catches the eye, she has an abundance of genuine talent as an otokoyaku, and her dreams are expanding as her appeal comes into full bloom.

Ashizawa: In 1789 - Les Amants de la Bastille, you played Fersen in the main cast, and also had the lead role of Ronan in the shinjin kouen, so you must have been having such a hard time day after day.

Akatsuki: Right. The rehearsals were really difficult, and once the performance started I was being taught so much about acting; my own performance in the show kept changing. I learned a lot from that show.

Ashizawa: Considering your level (ken-4 at the time), there must have been a lot for you to take in, so you must have been discovering new things day by day.

Akatsuki: [My performance] was totally different comparing opening day and the last show.

Ashizawa: What sort of things changed over that time?

Akatsuki: I achieved a bit of breathing room, I suppose.

Ashizawa: So once you had that space, you were able to have more ideas, and make new discoveries?

Akatsuki: I suppose so.

Ashizawa: At the very beginning, it must have been a struggle just delivering your lines properly. Especially since in the main cast, your acting partner was Manaki-san’s character, Marie Antoinette.

Akatsuki: You’re right. It was the most I’d ever been allowed to sing in a show, so I was really nervous about that too.

Ashizawa: I feel like you must have been under so much pressure from those two roles every single day for four and a half months.

Akatsuki: It was such a long time, but looking back, it just went by in a blink.

Ashizawa: Since you spent so much time constantly thinking about your roles, didn’t you just want a bit of a break at times?

Akatsuki: At the time, I was solely thinking ‘I have to do this!’ so that was running through my head even on my days off, and I had trouble resting.

Ashizawa: Rehearsing let you get some release from that, maybe.

Akatsuki: While I was still stressed no matter how I rehearsed, it was better than doing nothing, I think. And through that, I think I picked up a bit more confidence.

Ashizawa: Fersen appears so often in Takarazuka, so I feel like that must have helped you settle on the character.

Akatsuki: Although I knew what he was like, it was still very hard to play him. It’s difficult for me to play adult men.

Ashizawa: Since you have so much boyishness remaining, right (laughs).

Akatsuki: Exactly (laughs). Ryuu-san and Kumichou-san (Asuka Yuu in 2015) taught me a lot about doing my makeup so I could at least look a little more mature.

Ashizawa: And how do you going about looking more adult?

Akatsuki: Making the distance between my eyes and eyebrows a bit further, for example, or since my eyes are still quite round, trying to line them so they look longer.

Ashizawa: Your voice is so good. It’s very masculine, and although it’s soft it carries so well.

Akatsuki: Wha~t, really? But my natural voice is very high, so I struggle to make low sounds, and I’ve been constantly training to lower my voice.

Ashizawa: And have you seen any difference?

Akatsuki: My method of speaking and way of using my body has changed, and I think even in normal conversation my voice has become lower.

Ashizawa: How did you manage when receiving criticism on your performance?

Akatsuki: Director Koike is really something. ‘Your singing is fine but everything else is terrible!’ he said (laughs).

Ashizawa: Are you crushed to hear things like that?

Akatsuki: I just take it like ‘Oh, I get it!’ Although sometimes it’s frustrating, it’s clear that I can’t do it, so there’s nothing to do but accept it. If he didn’t say those sorts of things I wouldn’t know, and the more errors he points out the more I can correct.

Ashizawa: You had your first shinjin kouen lead as ken-3, in Guide to the Future (Jake - Ryuu Masaki in main cast). How was that?

Akatsuki: I didn’t have a clue about anything (laughs). Although the play was only about 30 minutes, my concentration didn’t even last that long. I didn’t know the first thing about acting.

Ashizawa: But you graduated from the Takarazuka Music School as the top student, so your grades in acting class must have been good, right?

Akatsuki: Before entering Takarazuka I had only done dance, so I didn’t start singing and drama until I joined, and as a yokasei I was really bad at those things.

Ashizawa: Was Jake your first real acting role?

Akatsuki: No, before that I was in The Merry Widow, where I was able to play Hokushou-san’s character Danilo’s butler, and in my first shinjin kouen I was given Seijou-san’s character, Ganimard. But it was my first time having to advance the story as the lead, so it was really difficult.

Ashizawa: For some reason my impression of you ended up being a rather minor-league performer, but when I saw the next shinjin kouen, PUCK, where you played Bobby (Tamaki Ryou in main cast), you were really going all out and giving such an amazing performance, so I thought ‘this can’t be the same person?’

Akatsuki: Ah… (laughs)

Ashizawa: That was a really life-sized role, so were you able to achieve some freedom in the performance?

Akatsuki: Since playing Bobby, I started to realize how fun acting can be. The character was also close to my age, so that was really fun.

Ashizawa: When did you start studying ballet?

Akatsuki: When I was 5 years old, and continuing until my second year of middle school.

Ashizawa: Was it at your mother’s urging?

Akatsuki: No, apparently, when I went to see a friend’s recital, I was dancing in the audience seats afterwards (laughs). So then my parents say they thought ‘let’s get her lessons!’ (laughs).

Ashizawa: So you liked dancing.

Akatsuki: I enjoyed it a lot. Although I would go to the studio every day, when I started going to middle school it dropped to around once a week.

Ashizawa: Why was that?

Akatsuki: Um, I ended up overdoing it, and then I didn’t like it so much (laughs). In middle school I ended up joining the volleyball club, but…

Ashizawa: Oh!? Ballet and volleyball?*

Akatsuki: Yes (laughs). At the time I preferred volleyball, and I was the club captain, so I only began concentrating on ballet again in my second year of middle school.

Ashizawa: The agility from that must have helped you bring Bobby to life.

Akatsuki: That might be it (laughs).

Ashizawa: When did you first encounter Takarazuka?

Akatsuki: When I was in my third year of middle school, the mother of one of my ballet friends said ‘have you thought about Takarazuka?’ and was recommending it, but I didn’t know much about Takarazuka, and I wasn’t really into the idea of women playing men… But I thought I might as well watch it once, so when a national tour came to Hiroshima I went to see it. That was Flower Troupe’s Sorrowful Cordoba and Red Hot Sea II, and when I saw Matobu Sei’s back I thought ‘I’ve got to get in there!’, and totally fell in love with Takarazuka immediately (laughs).

Ashizawa: Coming up is your first Bow Hall lead, (double lead with Asami Jun) A-EN. You must feel a lot of pressure from that.

Akatsuki: Obviously (laughs). Since I have to be the one building up the show from the center, I’m wondering how to lead everyone else… And I also have to keep going over several days. A shinjin kouen is one time only, so it works if you just put everything out there and go for it, but…

Ashizawa: It seems like you dance a lot in the revue portion.

Akatsuki: Yes. Apparently there are both modern dance and ballet sections.

Ashizawa: Since I’ve heard dance is your strongest point, I’m looking forward to seeing what sort of dance you will show us.

Akatsuki: Oh no, if you put so much expectation on me it will only make me more nervous (laughs).

Ashizawa: Is there any sort of dance that you dream of performing in the revue portion, for example?

Akatsuki: I’d like to dance barefoot. In Takarazuka I dance wearing heels most of the time, but it’s difficult. I want to dance freely in bare feet.

Ashizawa: What is your biggest issue performing as an otokoyaku currently?

Akatsuki: There’s a lot, but as for the biggest one, hmmm… there is a lot about the way of moving that I don’t get at all yet, and I don’t really have enough charisma.

Ashizawa: If you could do all that at  your level you would have a terrifying degree of star-power (laughs).

Akatsuki: Haha… (laughs) Those people who can make you think ‘wow, they’re so cool’ when they’re just standing there are really great, I think. I want to be able to make the audience swoon with just my expressions.

Ashizawa: Is there anything where you think ‘I want people to notice this aspect of Akatsuki Chisei!’

Akatsuki: Hmmm, I mean, I really want people to look at me when I’m dancing…

Ashizawa: I see. When compared to singing and acting, you like dance a bit better.

Akatsuki: Just a little (laughs). But I’m bad at remembering choreography, and I’m not the type who can just do it right away, so if I don’t rehearse a lot I’ll be embarrassed to have people see me (laughs).

* In Japanese, the words for ‘ballet’ and ‘volleyball’ are very similar so Ashizawa is making a joke about that.

[xoruffitup]

TFA Novelization: Close Reading Kylo Ren

I read The Force Awakens novelization this week to get through my insane anticipation for The Last Jedi’s novel. Unsurprisingly, I found myself yet again over-analyzing and reading way too deeply into Star Wars characters. :’) Is there any better past time??

I did find it surprising that the novel left me with much different impressions of certain story elements. I got a much stronger ReyFinn read than anything I’ve seen in either film. And while the scenes of Rey finding herself face-to-face with Kylo were undoubtedly the book’s most gripping, there was a level of intensity about them that to me placed them far apart from the arc I’ve understood them to be moving through in the films. Based on the book alone, Rey seems all too vicious and spiteful towards Kylo for any future understanding or tenderness to even lay in the realm of conceivability. I canNOT wait to see how the TLJ novel will segue them onwards into the exciting territory we know lays ahead.

With Kylo, on the other hand, I definitely see the beginnings of the oncoming TLJ developments taking shape. Yet even so, I again gained a much different impression of his character from the novel - One that is initially more brutal, cold, and far less humanized. (Barring that one memorable description where Alan Dean Foster turns into a fangirl attempting to write pretentious literature: “Kylo Ren - saturnine of aspect, lithe of build, tortured of mien, and troubled of eye - gazed at the silent recipient of his confession.” (Pg. 181) …..What even..?) But because Kylo spends the majority of the novel so firmly rooted in the dark, it’s only that much more fascinating when his path begins to deviate.

SO, since I have thoroughly picked apart Kylo’s character on screen, I can’t resist doing the same for the version of him on the page. Ngl, I had a feeling I’d end up doing this since I first cracked the book; I was an English major in undergrad and therefore compulsively analyze basically everything I read. Nope, haven’t been looking forward to this at all! ;)

For the first 150 pages or so, the narrative suggestions around Kylo are much more interesting than the character himself. His first appearance - the confrontation with Lor San Tekka - consciously and immediately lays out the contextualization Kylo would never voluntarily provide nor acknowledge: 

“I know where you come from. (…) From a time before you called yourself Kylo Ren.”  “

“You don’t belong with them. (…) The First Order arose from the dark side. You did not.”

“To turn away from your heritage is the true tragedy. (Pg. 16-17)

All this expositional dialogue from Lor San Tekka falls on ears totally indifferent, until they ignite a spark of rage before Kylo kills him. The first look at Kylo, emerging from his shuttle, is “a single figure: Tall, dark, cloaked, with its face hidden behind a metal mask.” (Pg. 14) He strides through the battle and destruction untouched and aloof; A foreboding, powerful spectre that neither revels in the bloodshed, nor cares enough to ponder its details, much less its prevention. Lor San Tekka looks at him and sees only “the black mask, with its slitted forehead and thick, snout-like breathing apparatus, covering the face of the man he knew as Kylo Ren. Once, he had known the face behind the mask. Once, he had known the man himself. Now, to San Tekka, only the mask was left. Metal instead of man.” (Pg. 16)

Whoever this mysterious, absent man is, he fails to emerge for a long time. Kylo Ren seems to glide in and out of scenes at Starkiller Base, presiding over the search for BB-8 while remaining unnervingly detached from everything. He extracts the map’s location from Poe so methodically, the biggest mystery about him up to this point is whether he is either incapable of emotional engagement, or calculatedly removing/shielding himself from the events swirling around him. Does he have an awareness of higher-level conflicts brewing, rendering everything else as annoyances? Why would a figure as powerful and intimidating as this one abet and advance First Order schemes to which he seems so personally detached? Is it a front? What could this seemingly unfeeling, deadly shadow of death and destruction have to hide or lie about? Is there any hint of genuine spark or humanity behind this mask?

The first conversation with Snoke provides the first rumination on exactly what Kylo Ren is: A black veil that so far has refused to give away a shred of hint or feeling. 

“I have never had a student with such promise - before you.” Ren straightened. “It is your teachings that make me strong, Supreme Leader.” Snoke demurred. “It is far more than that. It is where you are from. What you are made of. The dark side - and the light. The finest sculptor cannot fashion a masterpiece from poor materials. He must have something pure, something strong, something unbreakable, with which to work. I have - you.” He paused, reminiscing. “Kylo Ren, I watched the Galactic Empire rise, and then fall. The gullbie prattle on about the triumpth of truth and justice, of individualism and free will. As if such things were solid and real instead of simple subjective judgments. The historians have it all wrong. It was neither poor strategy nor arrogance that brought down the Empire. You know to well what did.” Ren nodded once. “Sentiment.” “Yes. Such a simple thing. Such a foolish error of judgment. A momentary lapse in an otherwise exemplary life. Had Lord Vader not succumbed to emotion at the crucial moment - had the father killed the son - the Empire would have prevailed. And there would be no threat of Skywalker’s return today.” “I am immune to the light,” Ren assured him confidently. “By the grace of your training, I will not be seduced.” (Pg. 157-158)

Finally, we see that his very impenetrability and unknowability may be exactly who he is - exactly his greatest design. He serves a master and a philosophy that places value only in brute physicality; in force and violence. Ironically, it may be the case that Kylo’s apparent resignation and acceptance to performing terrible acts of violence or cruelty is, in his eyes, the only avenue of survival in a world filled with violence and cruelty terrible enough to break the spirit of someone weaker - someone infected by “sentiment.”

Snoke, and correspondingly his molding of Kylo’s worldview, operates by strength through power. Triumph over weakness and vulnerability arises only through a rejection of the very notions of remorse or empathy. Kylo’s indoctrination means he has made these qualities absolutely anathema to his existence.

Kylo confidently assures his master that he has achieved perfect strength - that he is immune to the affliction of sentiment that brought down an empire. So far, the reader has seen no reason to doubt him And yet, Snoke does: 

“No one knows the limits of his own power until it has been tested to the utmost, as yours has not been. That day my yet come. There has been an awakening in the Force. Have you felt it?” Ren nodded. “Yes.” “The elements align, Kylo Ren. You alone are caught in the winds of the storm. Your bond is not just to Vader, but to Sywalker himself. Leia…” “There is no need for concern.” Despite the Supreme Leader’s cautioning, Ren’s assurance remained unbounded. “Together we will destroy the Resistance - and the last Jedi.” “Perhaps. (…) We shall see. We shall see.” (Pg. 158)

What “bonds” is Snoke referring to? What potential weakness to sentiment is he wary of in his apprentice? Kylo has done such a convincing job up to this point being wholly unconnected from everyone and everything around him, the clueless reader would be completely caught off guard by the revelation of his relation to Jedi/Light Side heroes. I was surprised by the reveal in TFA the first time; In the novel it would really blindside. In text, Kylo as we first encounter him - at his most heartless, most closed-off - is wholly fearsome and feelingless. 

And THEN, it finally comes: The long sought-after moment of interiority - Of Kylo alone, without any bloody task to carry out, without any master or underlings to remain stone in front of. Unexpectedly, we find Kylo in his private chambers (To be precise: “It was a very private place.” (Pg. 180)) It is a dimly-lit, sparsely-furnished, plain place - Vaguely strange and melancholy and the last setting where we would expect this figure to appear.

The individual who claimed the space had no need of the usual accoutrements favored by sentient beings. He was content within himself and with who he was. The alcove where Kylo Ren was kneeling and speaking was darker than the rest of the adjoining chambers. He kept it deliberately so, as seemed appropriate for its function. He spoke now in a tone different from the one he usually employed when conversing with others. There were no orders to be issued here, no pathetic underlings to command. The one with whom he was presently communing would understand everything Ren chose to say, in whatever voice he chose to employ. No need here and now for intimidation, for fear. Kylo Ren spoke, and the object of his words listened in silence. “Forgive me. I feel it again. The pull to the light. The Supreme Leader senses it. Show me again the power of the dark side, and I will let nothing stand in our way (…) Show me, Grandfather, and I will finish what you started.” Trembling slightly, he rose from where he had been kneeling and strode off to another portion of his private quarters. There was no response from the one to whom he had been talking: neither argument nor agreement. Only silence from the shape that had been the object of Ren’s fervor: a ghostly, deformed mask that had once belonged to another.” (Pg. 180-181)

For being a figure who inspired so much terror, in a few short passages he is rendered abjectly pitiable. He has channeled the inescapable, undeniable human need for connection and understanding into a single inanimate object - a deformed ghost. It is an object bearing vast symbolism, yet still it can never offer him a reply or the reassurance he seeks. And it is only here, behind the secluded walls where no one else is watching, where he allows himself this single desperate attachment. Only in the bounds of this small, bare, dim space, where he speaks in a different tone, trembles, and admits weakness. 

Pitiable and unfulfilling as this single, secret, stolen attachment is - Its power and effect is clearly strong on him. Within only two pages, his character is more richly developed than the 180 pages before. There IS a man beneath the mask. There is substance beneath the cloak of a dark, masked shadow seen heretofore only as menacing and pity-less. 

Not only is there a starkly-rendered human beneath the darkness - There is one who quickly shifts from being a static to a dynamic character, with the potential for plurality and transformation. He admits to a weakness - a “pull to the light” - and asks for forgiveness. Even as the reader sees his vulnerability for the first time, his complexity builds as we see this very same closely-guarded, shameful humanity as the driving force that has made him project a persona so decidedly inhumane. 

He cannot allow himself space to confront this conflict within him. Outside the dark corners of his bedroom, he cannot expose the slightest hint as to its mere existence. For doing so would automatically mean defeat, humiliation, and a fall so thorough he would be left with nothing - An emptiness even worse than the emptiness he has self-imposed upon himself already. 

I lingered for a long time over one particular line in the above passage: “He was content within himself and with who he was.” The idea of this man existing only “within himself” is something the reader can believe - aloof and apathetic as he seems. But the phrase “content with who he was” sits strangely. Can we believe it? Is this the cold, unfeeling, metal mask speaking? Now, based on this scene, we have to ask ourselves whether this voice - the one that brushed aside San Tekka’s appeals and assured Snoke of his immunity to the light and sentiment - is not entirely different than the one with which he spoke to Vader’s crumpled mask. Remember, this is the one presence that “would understand everything Ren chose to say, in whatever voice he chose to employ.” Is the man behind the mask (since we now see there is, indeed, one there) truly content with who Kylo Ren is? 

At this point, we see a potentiality for conflict and perhaps dissociation within Kylo Ren. There may be a part of him not entirely unflinchingly, remorselessly rooted in darkness. But given the menacing, ruthless power of Kylo Ren that strikes fear into foes and subordinates alike, and keeps any renegade, “weak” parts of himself locked under an iron fist - What could be strong enough to challenge him? What could make him question the might of the dark side’s sway, and the power in inhumanity?

WELL. Once he takes Rey into FO custody, the scene is set for what first seems a repeat of Poe’s interrogation scene. Clearly, this one goes very differently. Even from the start, Kylo acts strangely - in contrast to his usual disinterested coldness.

“Where am I?” “Does the physical location really matter so much?” in Kylo Ren’s voice there was an unexpected gentleness. Not quite sympathy, but something less than the hostility with which he had confronted her in the forest. “You’re my guest.” (Pg. 225)

Then, Rey calls him a “creature in a mask” and momentarily fears his reaction. The description is not so far removed from how this character has presented himself to both the reader and everyone else to encounter him so far. And given his outward presentation so far, it would be fair to expect him to continue inhabiting the mask and repressing the man within. But then, staring down a prisoner whose presence and mind have intrigued him since he first sensed her, and who refuses to shrink away in intimidation from Kylo Ren’s persona like most others are, he does something startling and wholly out of step:

“But he did not do what she expected. Instead, he reached up, unlatched and removed his mask. She just stared at him in silence. In itself the narrow face that looked back at her was not remarkable. It was almost sensitive. If not for the intensity of his gaze, Ren could have passed for someone she might have met on the dusty streets of Niima Outpost.” (Pg. 226)

We’re not given enough introspection to know for sure what motivates Kylo to do this, but we can tell this is entirely at odds with everything Kylo Ren represents: He bares himself as just a man - “not remarkable, who might have passed for anyone.” He sheds the threatening, unfeeling shroud that usually obscures him - keeping the world out and himself entirely separate from it. In this moment, he considers Rey through his own eyes, unfiltered. And she is the first person in the whole book to look at Kylo Ren and see human features. 

Rey soon sees much more of Kylo than he intended to reveal. 

“The barrier he encountered stopped him cold. And it was he, Kylo Ren, who blinked. It made no sense. He pushed, hard, with his mind - and the probe went nowhere. A look of amazement replaced the fear on Rey’s face as she discovered herself inside his mind. Stunned at the realization, she found herself inexorably drawn to - to… “You,” she heard herself saying clearly, “you’re afraid. That you will never be as strong as - Darth Vader!” His hand pulled sharply away from her cheek as if her skin had suddenly turned white-hot. Confused, rattled, he stumbled back from her. (Pg. 228)

“In the corridor, a stunned Ren found that he was breathing hard. That in itself was unsettling. He did not know what had just transpired in the holding cell, and not knowing, was left uncertain how to proceed. (Pg. 229)

Kylo made a snap decision to engage with someone without the dehumanizing filter of his mask. He locked eyes with someone directly, revealed himself to someone… and it went nothing like he planned. Perhaps it has been so long since he considered someone with his own naked eyes, since he peeled back the unthinking, unfeeling shell even a tiny bit, that even the slightest contact would shake him. For someone who has isolated himself within himself, who banished any warmth from his own interiority, having someone see the uncertainties and fears - weaknesses - buried so deeply he hides them from even himself … It is simultaneously a moment of shame and reckoning. 

(My brain is jumping ahead right now in a major break-the-fourth-wall moment, but I can’t resist including this now that I thought it: Rey voicing Kylo’s fears to him in the interrogation scene is the precursor equivalent to him voicing the truth of her parentage in TLJ’s throne room scene. Both of them are saying things that are harsh and difficult for the other to hear. But only through voicing them can the other begin to accept and move past these inner obstacles in any productive manner.)

Kylo admitted, albeit privately, to feeling the call to the light. He fears this call, as the dangerous path to loathsome “sentiment” Snoke has so trained him to abhor. Harboring fears hints dangerously at sentiment. He has devoted himself assiduously to drowning any hint of sentiment behind metal masks, dark cloaks, and an unhesitating weapon. But how can he continue to deny its existence when this scavenger could read it in his mind, plain as day? How can he go on with single-minded dedication to the dark side and its central ethos of strength through power, when that power has been compromised? He is so shaken because the very foundations on which he decided to build Kylo Ren and abandon his past self have been rattled to their core.

Then, terribly, Snoke immediately senses Kylo’s turmoil:

There was as much curiosity in Supreme Leader Snoke’s voice as there was disappointment. “This scavenger - this girl - resisted you?” “That’s all she is, yes. A scavenger from that inconsequential Jakku. Completely untrained, but strong with the Force. Stronger than she knows.” His mask off, Ren replied with what seemed to be his usual assurance. No one else would have sensed a difference. Snoke did. The Supreme Leader’s voice was flat. “You have compassion for her.” “No - never. Compassion? For an enemy of the Order?” “I perceive the problem,” Snoke intoned. “It isn’t her strength that is making you fail. It’s your weakness.” (Pg. 237)

Immediately, there is a difference in Kylo: In the feeling with which he speaks, in the fact that he does not don his mask. Rey may only be “a scavenger from that inconsequential Jakku,” but she is the first person to ever wholly attract and absorb Kylo’s attention. Snoke senses the difference immediately and names it for what it is, despite Kylo’s disagreement. But the unquestionable fact remains that Kylo just shared an experience with another person of the deepest, most intensely personal level imaginable. He had neither sought out nor willfully entered the exchange, but after years entirely starved of any human interaction outside confessions to his silent, unreachable Grandfather, it would be all but impossible for this encounter not to awaken something in his stifled inner-most depths, where a ceaseless yearning to feel has endured. 

“Ren struggled to control himself. A great deal of his education had been devoted to learning how to live and move forward in the absence of emotion. Right now, he needed every bit of that training to stay calm. As bad as had been the girl’s expulsion of his probing, worse was the knowledge she had acquired. At the moment, he did not feel powerful. He felt diminished.” (Pg. 246)

And so, it is in this state of confronting not only the lingering existence of sentiment within himself, but also intense emotional turmoil, when Kylo faces his greatest test: Encountering his father. Kylo’s emotions have not been staying under control and repression the way they are supposed to. They are defying Kylo’s training in a way leaving him utterly bewildered and off step. He willingly removed his mask once, and now he can’t seem to wrangle it back on properly:

“Ren’s emotions were boiling. His present mental state contradicted all of his training, but he could not help himself. He had reacted poorly to what had happened earlier, and that had been reflected in the Supreme Leader’s judgment. To add to the discomfort, that slimy sycophant Hux always seemed to appear at the most awkward possible moment. He gritted his teeth, angry at himself. It was a measure of his current weakness that something like jealousy toward an insignificant simpleton like Hux could even enter his mind. It was nothing but a waste of physical energy and mental concentration. Hux was not worthy of such attention. The girl, on the other hand… Entering the holding cell, he found it, as expected, deserted. In the center, the single coppery-hued, angled bench stood empty, its multiple curving restraints open and mocking beneath the subdued red illumination from the ceiling. Unable to contain himself any longer, he pulled his lightsaber, thumbed it to life, and launched into a series of wild swings and strikes, methodically reducing the room to rubble.” (Pg. 250)

After sensing Han’s arrival on Starkiller Base, Kylo leads a squad of storm troopers out to search the Falcon while it’s left empty and abandoned.

“Ships clear. No one on board. No antipersonnel traps encountered.” Startled by the sudden appearance of a tall, caped figure, the trooper stepped aside and came to attention. “Sir!” Kylo Ren ignored him as he strode past, his eyes raking every corner of the crashed vessel, looking for – he wasn’t sure. Something that might speak to him. Something recognizable, perhaps. There was nothing in the deserted cockpit, but he delayed leaving anyway, settling down in the pilot’s seat. Something…” (Pg. 264 – 265)

At this point, under emotional duress and grappling with the proximity of his father, Kylo’s actions become markedly illogical and, well, sentimental. This kind of aimless, lingering search without an immediate goal is a stark contrast to the focused, methodical figure in black who confronted Lor San Tekka and eventually extracted the location of the map by the cruel means necessary, never lingering or second-guessing once.

The approaching confrontation with Han is the moment when Kylo will have to choose which is his true face. In his breakdowns and losses of control, the reader has seen a man with fears and self-doubt, beneath the brutal figure who wears a metal mask. While Kylo’s dedication to his master and the First Order’s brand of rule through force does not yet seem questioned, there is just enough exposure of an internal struggle to hint that that dedication comes at a difficult price: Poisoning and silencing the inner parts of him that will never stop yearning for light and expression.

When Kylo sees his father, his first instinct is to deny the attachment completely – along with the existence of the buried, human side of himself.

“What do you think you’ll see if I do take it off?” Han moved forward slightly. “The face of my son.” “Your son is gone. He was weak and foolish, like his father.” Ren’s reply was replete with pity. And anger. “So I destroyed him. But such a small, insignificant request is easily granted.” Reaching up, he slowly removed the mask. For the first time Han saw the face of his son as a grown man – and it jolted him. (…) “That’s what Snoke wants you to believe,” Han was saying. He wasn’t pleading – just stating a fact. “But it’s not true. My son is still alive. I’m looking at him right now.” (…) Ren’s eyes blazed. “No! The Supreme Leader is wise. He knows me for who I am, and who I can become.” (Pg. 280 – 281)

But the attachment, the emotions, the sentiment – they are all unarguably there, no matter how determinedly Kylo Ren tries to forget and bury them. He knows, logically, this should be easy. As Snoke says, sentiment is nothing solid or real, it is a mere subjective judgment. It should easily be defeated, snuffed out. Kylo Ren must certainly be powerful enough for this meager task. And yet. AND YET:

Ren hesitated. “It’s too late,” he said. “No, it’s not.” Halfway across the walkway now, Han continued to move forward, smiling. “Never too late for the truth. Leave here with me. Come home.” Without the slightest trace of malice or deception, he cast a dagger. “Your mother misses you.” A strange sensation touched the younger man’s cheeks. Something long forgotten. Dampness. Tears. “I’m being torn apart. I want – I want to be free of this pain.” (Pg. 281 – 282)

Yes – Fearsome, ruthless, remorseless Kylo Ren sheds tears!! He has succeeded in severing himself from his emotions enough that he cannot immediately recognize them for what they are. But he will never be able to expel them entirely. Instead, here he stands, trapped in a terrible limbo: Choked by yearning and sadness and loss he refuses to recognize as a part of himself.

It is not his father who is his enemy. It is not Han who renders him so wretchedly torn and tortured in this moment of self-evaluation. It is the self-examination itself that does that. Looking upon his father’s face, he is filled with emotions he loathes, and he would likely do anything to purify himself of their destabilizing effects.

“I want to be free of this pain.” (Pg. 282 - Italics in text)

The tragic conflict and contradiction within Kylo Ren’s character: In his determination to rid himself of emotions and attachments that cause pain and lead to weakness, he must first acknowledge their existence, their value to him, and their ability to cause him hurt. He must confront the sources of his deepest vulnerability and slash them open himself – If he wishes to become invulnerable.

“I know what I have to do, but I don’t know if I have the strength to do it.” (Pg. 282)

Like his Force abilities, Kylo’s emotions and attachments are powerful. Excising them from himself fully would be a bone-deep, messy procedure: One he might not survive. It is the ultimate self-defacement, and the ultimate test of both his strength and his belief in the dark side’s ethos of purpose through power.

Kylo passes the test. Briefly, it is a moment of triumph. He has rejected and resisted the hold of attachments – of sentiment. Kylo Ren basks in his moment of glory and domination over the self.

Accepting without quite believing, Han stared back into the face of the creature that had been his son. There was nothing to see there. Only darkness in the shape of a face: alien, unthinking, unfeeling. (Pg. 282)

For this moment, he has succeeded in grafting the mask to his very self. But then, Han falls from the walkway. He stands there alone – No one to perform a persona for, no one to convince except himself.

Stunned by his own action, Kylo Ren fell to his knees. Following through on the act ought to have made him stronger, a part of him believed. Instead, he found himself weakened. (Pg. 283)

All performativity stripped away, the mask cracks. The man beneath is still alive. He did not fall to his death along with his father. Terribly resilient, he lives on. And he is horrified to find that striking the blow did not end his pain.

How can he comprehend this terrible reality, enduring on in a nightmare? He did muster the strength to carry the deed out, and so his attachment and his pain should have extinguished along with Han’s life… Why does he feel so terribly weakened?

Can this mean the dark side and Snoke’s promises were not all they claimed to be? Had they misled Kylo down a false path?

These might be some of the thoughts flying through Kylo’s mind directly after Han falls, and before he spots Finn and Rey and seizes upon them as his next proper targets. This crushing crisis of doubt in himself, then in the philosophy to which he has so dedicated himself, might seem to fade as Kylo fights Finn, then becomes fixated upon Rey as he crosses sabers with her. But we all know these doubts return with a vengeance in The Last Jedi.

I’m unspeakably excited to see how Jason Fry advances Kylo’s inner conflict, self-understanding, and guiding allegiances in TLJ. It’s going to be an intense ride, given how much ground Kylo will have to cover to reach the point of turning against Snoke and “proposing” to Rey. I’ll most likely write another one of these for Kylo’s character arc and all my Ben Solo feels in TLJ. (Once I’ve recovered from all the Reylo scenes, that is!)

He’s truly the most fascinating character to assess in depth like this. The more deeply you consider his motives and his reasoning for the courses of action he takes, the more you have to wonder whether his greatest triumph isn’t the depth of his self-deception. How much of Snoke’s principles has he truly internalized and put faith in? Or alternately, how much is he guided solely by an instinctive, desperate need to escape pain and past injury? Did he ever make a free, conscious decision to abandon Ben Solo to the monstrous might of Kylo Ren? If not, how strong is the illicit inner part of him still clinging to life and light?

[kateahontas]

The Other Party

Kenichi takes his job as Party Master of my school very seriously as of recently, and, in keeping up with his amazing performance of inviting and then receiving attendance from quite a lot of teachers from my school at JET Program Final Mission, he planned another party entirely by himself.

I was told about this party awhile ago and that it would be only teachers from my school. Later, I was informed it would take place in the school cafeteria on a day in my last week, which made attendance quite a bit easier, as it was free for guests and was paid for out of the school’s budget. At my school, we have maybe one or two “parties” in the cafeteria per-year. One is when the new teachers come and the new school year starts in April, and the other is when the leavnig teachers are farewelled at the end of the school year in March.

Typically, these parties involve us all standing to sing the school song, the Principal makes a speech and mum-Sensei does a cheers. Beer is available but everyone opts for oolong-cha because getting wrecked at school is not a thing to be done. We then have some time to eat food provided by the cafeteria and mingle a little bit. At the farewell parties, the teachers that are leaving give pretty set speeches of “what a great time, thanks everyone. I will have a good time at my new school”. In any case, they are very Japanese. I assumed my party would be just like this, since I really had no reason to believe otherwise.

My party took place yesterday, on Monday the 23rd of July. On Saturday night, Matt and I were out with a teacher from his school and her husband because we are all best pals. We were due to meet Kenichi and Lico the next day for karaoke. I looked at my phone at one point, and had a missed call from Kenichi. I instantly thought he wanted to cancel karaoke, even though that is really un-Japanese and I know he has personal problems with people who cancel so soon before something. 

I called him back a bit later and he said he actually wanted to meet a few hours earlier the next day to talk about his plan. On the phone, I was treated to a quick outline of his party plan. A few days earlier Matt had joked that I should dye my hair purple just for the day of the farewell party, since I am leaving here anyway and no longer have a job. I had actually mentioned this to Kenichi on Friday, and I am 100% sure it was the influence for his plan. He really set the scene for me. “First, you are going to walk into the cafeteria and Today by the Smashing Pumpkins will be playing. You will wave and be greeted like a Goddess. You will be seated on a throne at the front of the room”. 

He said that we would go the next day before karaoke and purchase a purple wig. For the beginning of the party, Kenichi said he wanted to show pictures of me with my crazy hair before I came to Japan, and then later on would get me to change into the wig (out of sight) so that people could be photographed with me in my natural habitat. He said he wanted me to send him photos of things Matt and I have done in Japan, kind of keeping theme with the stories that Kenichi shared at JET Program Final Mission. He said he would make some kind of presentation, I would make my speech and people would eat food and oolong-cha (we had a budget cut for this party, so there was no beer). Finally, I walk out of the cafeteria as Don’t Look Back in Anger play, since it’s our song. At this time, I look over my shoulder and wave at everyone. END SCENE.

On Sunday, the day of karaoke, Matt and I meet Kenichi a few hours earlier and go to our favourite pie restaurant together to discuss the party (that Matt didn’t attend). Kenichi ran us through the planned time schedule and said that he wanted to record our rendition of Don’t Look Back in Anger from later that day’s karaoke session, and that would be used when I exited the cafeteria. 

The wig we got ended up being a purple-bob wig and it was a little difficult to get my hair to cooperate with it, but I think I got there after a few tries at home on Sunday night, and then a bit at school on Monday.

The party was due to start at 3:30pm on Monday (yesterday). So, in usual fashion, Kenichi was crazily preparing, up until the very end. He ended up making a slideshow about me titled “What is Kate?” He asked for a lot of specific photos from me to make his dream come alive. This included photos from both mine and Matt’s wedding parties and photos of us with Softbank’s mascot, Otosan. 

There were a few technical issues with the setting up in the cafeteria, and I was in there at about 3:15 still trying to help. The party started a little bit late (a lot of teachers meet with students during this period, so they are often super busy). I was escorted into the cafeteria by my pal Miki while Today was playing and I waved and bowed at everyone and was shown to my seat. Kenichi was in charge of the whole party. 

Luckily (I am using “luckily” because it is very fitting), the Principal and one Deputy couldn’t make it because they were both busy. This meant that mum-Sensei (the second Deputy), scary man from the office (who is not so scary now) and another bloke from the office were the only “official people” present. Firstly, the cheers that we decided on doing, which played on a personal joke between Kenichi and I, was openly dismissed by mum-Sensei because there was no “thank you” to me mentioned in it. I am totally above that shit, and saw no problem. There was a brief interval where the food was brought out (way too much) and we were told we could chill until the presentation started. I went and sat with some English teachers, since I felt a bit weird being on a chair at the front of the room.

During Kenichi’s amazing slideshow, I often looked over at the “official people” table, and they didn’t have the best facial expressions. Kenichi showed pictures of me with pals and of me wearing funny hats. Also, there was a large series of photos of me with my head inside various cut-outs on various trips. In the entrance of my school, there are cardboard cut-outs of both a male and female student, so you can place your head in the circle and get a real feel for school life. Kenichi had taken a photo of me posing as a female student in the cut-out earlier yesterday, and that became his finale of that series. He also took a photo of me with my phone, my bankcard and my hanko, all of which were things he helped me to get when we first moved here that were almost impossible to achieve. 

We had the short interval where I ran behind a pillar out of sight and put the wig on. Then Kenichi announced me and said that I would be available to be photographed in such a manner. I think, overall, the official peoples’ table didn’t have the best reaction, but they posed for a polaroid of me with the wig on, so at least that happened. 

After some polaroid taking and eating time, I made my speech in Japanese. It was a bit rough since I didn’t practice so much, but we got there in the end. Then, I was presented with a gift. The teacher who had been taking the polaroids during the party (Yuki) presented me with a photo album full of polaroids of the teachers that I spent three years working with. They all wrote messages on their polaroids. Also, there was room left in the album to put the polaroids taken during the party. I think I may have broken some sort of record here for the amount of times “polaroid” is used in a never-viewed by anyone blog post.

I had to stall with an extra English speech while Kenichi tried to set-up for the finale. After a few technical glitches, I walked to the other end of the cafeteria while our karaoke recording/video of Don’t Look Back in Anger played, and I waved at everyone. I had taken the album with me, so when I was around the corner, I made the mistake of looking at some of it, and started crying, Then, suddenly, everyone was yelled “Kate, come back!” and I appeared out of hiding. The “official people” said thank you and left, and then the remainder of us ate some more food and hung around in the cafeteria and talked about how there was some definite disapproval from the “official people” but they never stopped the party! A lot of teachers who couldn’t make it to the first part came during this time and we took heaps of polaroids. I have one of Kenichi in the purple wig which has become a life treasure. 

There was WAY too much food provided, as usual, so a bunch of students were called in to eat it. Some of them were forced into a polaroid with me and we had a good time chatting.

Kenichi orchestrating such a party was a huge step in really sticking it to the man, which my school needs a massive dose of. I hope what he did makes the atmosphere here even slightly less robotic. The party was incredible and I didn’t expect anything remotely like it in my life. Kenichi has, once again, gone and taken a huge shit on everything I ever knew about friendships so late in my adult life.

[sleemo]

The Rise of Rose | How A Badass Nerd Became The New “Star Wars” Lead

Kelly Marie Tran is ready to conquer galaxies both near and far, far away. — Buzzfeed News

Two years ago, all of Kelly Marie Tran’s dreams came true: She got the career break of a lifetime and landed the new lead role of Rose Tico in Star Wars: The Last Jedi, she moved to London and got to work with some of her personal heroes (Lucasfilm President Kathleen Kennedy and actor Laura Dern, for starters), and she finally paid off her student loans. And then, once filming wrapped, she ran away.

“I think anytime you go into anything that’s different and new, there’s a bit of fear,” the 28-year-old Vietnamese-American actor said on a sunny October morning, fanny pack bouncing as she hiked Griffith Park in Los Angeles. She glanced down quickly at her Pikachu watch.

“That’s just natural. It’s a human, natural instinct,” she said. “But I also spent a year traveling and a year trying to figure myself out and reminding myself why I got into this.”

Originating a Star Wars lead character is the stuff of dreams for actors. It all but guarantees immediate global stardom (The Force Awakens breakout stars Daisy Ridley and John Boyega are currently starring in big-budget studio films outside of Star Wars), and also offers the possibility of long-term employment (Harrison Ford has been playing Han Solo since 1977, and he’s still not entirely sure if he’s finished). Even in the face of rapid and continued expansion — Disney recently announced that Last Jedi writer and director Rian Johnson will helm a new film trilogy — Star Wars remains one of the most surefire celebrity-making machines in show business.

But becoming a Star Wars star is also a huge responsibility. It’s a central juggernaut in the geek-culture landscape, and the fandom is so longstanding and voracious, a prominent role in a Star Wars film can guide, and often define, an actor’s entire career — especially a newcomer with hardly any mainstream projects under their belt. And for Tran, there’s an added element of both privilege and pressure: Rose Tico is the franchise’s first major character to be played by an Asian-American woman.

The movie isn’t even out yet, but Tran is already making history with the role. By posing as Rose on the front of Vanity Fair in May, arms crossed and a coy smile on her face, Tran became the first Asian-American woman to appear on the magazine’s cover. And she clearly understands how important that representation is to fans — it’s not something she takes lightly.

“It’s something that I think about a lot,” she said. “I just remember growing up and not seeing anyone that looked like me in movies.”

Tran’s no stranger to the geeky realm. She nicknamed one of the steepest trails in Griffith Park “the road to Mordor,” and has been unsuccessfully trying to convince eight friends to dress up as the Fellowship of the Ring with her since high school. She’s super nervous for Daenerys to see Viserion on Game of Thrones next season (“That’s such a Kylo situation, right? Seeing your child who’s on the other side now? I’m serious”). She’s a Harry Potter superfan, and even though she’s a Ravenclaw per the Pottermore Sorting Hat, she’s a Gryffindor by choice: “I feel like the Sorting Hat would have been like, ‘You should pick.’ And I would have picked Gryffindor.”

But Tran’s also no stranger to the lack of diversity in nerdy fare. For example, she always went to midnight Harry Potter screenings dressed as Cho Chang, the only prominent female Asian character in the films, even though she adored Luna Lovegood. And now that Tran’s about to experience the other side of fandom and become one of those rare characters of color herself, she admits there’s no lack of pressure.

“It feels like a lot of expectation, and you just wanna do it right,” she said, pumping her bright green dinosaur leggings up the road to Mordor.

That expectation, that pressure, is part of the reason why Tran spent the year after filming wrapped traveling in total anonymity.

“I ran away!” she laughed. “I wanted to center myself and remember who I was. My life had just changed so much, and I needed that time to reflect.”

First, she went to South Africa and worked on an endangered wildlife reserve (no internet, no electricity, no running water). She shared a room with a dozen people and told everyone she worked as an office temp. (She didn’t start getting inquisitive emails until the new Rose Tico toys started coming out.)

Next, Tran went to Vietnam, first to work with orphans, and then to revisit her roots. Her parents fled to the United States during the Vietnam War, so she brought them back to their home country for the first time in 40 years.

“I have very huge cultural ties to where I’m from and where my family’s from,” she said.

Her time in Vietnam was, according to the actor, an “overwhelming experience.” She and her family biked to her dad’s village together, and he showed her where he used to sleep.

“My dad was a street kid for seven years — he was homeless,” Tran said. She met her cousins, the children of relatives who tried to escape during the war but were pulled back by the Vietnamese government. “I could have had this life,” Tran said, holding out one hand, “and now I have this one, and it’s purely because my parents dropped everything and moved to a country where they didn’t know the language [and] didn’t have any opportunities. I very much have felt this whole time that I’ve been living for multiple generations of life.”

That year of travel and soul-searching seemed to help Tran achieve what she had set out to: She remembered why she became an actor.

“My parents didn’t get to have a dream,” she said. “Their dream was to live in a country where their kids would have choice.” And despite any hesitance on her parents’ part regarding her risky career choice, Tran always saw it differently.

“I truly did feel that I owed it to my parents, my grandparents, to do whatever it was that I wanted, because if I wasn’t happy, if I wasn’t being true to myself, then I wasn’t living fully,” she said. “They had given up so much so that I could live at the level that so many people are just automatically born into.”

But just two short years ago, Tran’s acting career looked very different. In 2015, she was working full-time as an assistant at a creative recruiting firm in Century City to pay off her student loans and make ends meet. She’d wake up at 5 a.m., answer phones and grab coffee, leave for two or three auditions in the afternoon, then come back to the office and stay until 8 or 9 at night.

It took Tran years just to get an agent. She started sending inquiry letters to agencies when she was a high schooler back in San Diego. She worked at a yogurt shop and saved up all her money for headshots, only to receive a slew of rejection letters. “There’s no rule book, nobody tells you how to do it,” Tran sighed. “It was sort of the preparation for the next 10 years. I still have a bunch of rejection letters from agencies that did not want me.” She’s strongly considering framing them.

Tran finally landed a commercial agent in 2011, and a theatrical agent two years later. Her commercial agent suggested she try an improv class to give her resumé some extra shine, so she enrolled at the Upright Citizens Brigade Training Center in Los Angeles — and fell in love.

“I love the ideals of improv: supporting each other and never being sort of judgmental of other people’s ideas,” she said. “I think they’re great rules for life: You get a piece of information, you’re like, ‘OK, how do I work with that and how do I add to that?’”

Her creative circle flourished, and she cultivated a tight-knit group of writing partners and performers, including her all-female Asian improv group, Number One Son.

“I’ve always been very much a team person,” Tran said. “Acting seems like solo work, but it’s not. This is not a one-person journey, at all.” But as much artistic fulfillment as she was finding, her resumé still consisted largely of CollegeHumor videos and small TV roles. She couldn’t even get an audition for a movie.

When she turned 25, Tran resigned herself to a fate of personal fulfillment without mainstream success. “I remember making a conscious decision,” she said. “I never thought that I would accomplish my dreams. I believed in myself, but when I turned 25, I just thought, Oh, I’ll just be working my day job and auditioning and struggling financially, but I’ll be living my dream for the next two or three decades.”

Then, as all great success stories go, she got the audition notice. The Untitled Rian Johnson Project was supposed to be a secret, but everyone knew it was for Star Wars. (Johnson had already been announced as both writer and director of the next installment.) But Tran, a self-proclaimed nerd on many subjects, had never seen a single Star Wars movie.

“In 10th grade, my teacher was obsessed with [Star Wars] and played it in the background, but I was reading Harry Potter so I wasn’t listening to it,” Tran laughed.

She didn’t watch any of the movies before that first audition — she never thought she’d make it beyond that — a move she believes helped her in the long run.

“I didn’t have this expectation of what I thought this person should be like; I wasn’t trying to model her after someone I’d seen in a movie,” she said.

Tran recalled that the initial character breakdown for Rose Tico was vague — “Something like, ‘Any ethnicity, character-y!’” — so she walked into the first audition wearing a sweater vest and her lucky Ravenclaw tie.

“All these other girls were in tight black and I was like, ‘Oh no! I’ve done this wrong! I’ve done this wrooong!’” she laughed.

By the first callback — Tran wore her lucky tie again, it had gotten her that far — Johnson was already in the room.

She auditioned five times between the summer and fall of 2015, a torturous month spanning between each. After each audition, Tran tried to forget about the possibility of another. She stayed busy writing with friends, and she started journaling for the first time in her life. The final audition took place in London, with full hair, makeup, and costuming.

“And this is why, I’m telling you,” Tran cackled, “the fact that I hadn’t grown up with Star Wars really helped me. I think I would have fallen over.”

But she didn’t fall over. In fact, Tran did the opposite: She stayed unfathomably grounded. “I remember the day of that audition, I just wanted to be present,” she recalled. “I just wanted to have fun, because there was nothing I could do at that point to control getting it or not. I remember having the most freeing feeling, and I had the best time.” Then she went home and tried to forget about it.

Three weeks later, in November 2015, Johnson emailed Tran’s agent and asked to meet with Tran before she went home for Thanksgiving. “I remember every moment,” she said through a grin. “Walking up the stairs, there’s a little bit of small talk, and then Rian says, ‘I want to offer you this role.’” Tran didn’t react; she froze. “What happens when everything you’ve ever wanted comes true?” She hid her face behind her hands at the memory. “I didn’t say a word. I was terrified. It was such an overwhelming shock.” Johnson waited, and then asked, “Umm, do you want this?” Yes, she did.

Tran went home for the holidays, but couldn’t tell anyone she’d just landed the role of a lifetime — all aspects of the movie were being kept top secret. She lied and told her mom, dad, and two sisters that she’d booked an indie film in Canada. She casually suggested the family go see The Force Awakens, but her dad objected. “He goes, ‘Ughhh, I hate movies like that. I don’t know why people go see sci-fi movies,’” Tran laughed. “And I was like, ‘Welp.’”

In January 2016, Tran moved to London to begin filming, and her life changed overnight.

“Someone mistakenly gave me the keys to the kingdom,” she said, her eyes still wide with disbelief even now.

She spent her days on set watching the likes of Benicio del Toro, Andy Serkis, Adam Driver, Oscar Isaac, and Laura Dern (“I can’t believe she knows who I am, ahhh!”) in what she described as “ultimate acting school.” Tran went to set every day, even if she wasn’t filming.

She hung out in the creatures department and learned a lot — she even dressed in a makeshift Porg costume for Halloween this year. She spent weekends watching movies with Mark Hamill and his family. She shared a trainer with Daisy Ridley, and eventually learned how to push a car. (“I’m serious! Little ol’ me.”)

But Tran found herself worrying; this was her first big gig and she was treading very carefully, often worried she might offend someone. Then she met Carrie Fisher.

“What a woman,” Tran nodded pointedly. “The best thing about Carrie that I witnessed was that she was just purely honest. No matter how messy that was, or how complicated that was.”

While Tran agonized over adhering to her trainer’s fitness regimen, Fisher showed up and walked the treadmill, sipping a Coke and smoking a cigarette.

“I don’t know how to explain it — without even protecting me, she was. Just by being herself,” Tran said.

But there was one caveat to all of her dreams seemingly coming true: Tran wasn’t used to living without her established support system.

“I was scared, I was alone, I couldn’t tell anyone what I was doing,” she said. “I remember crying because I wanted my friends to experience it.”

To combat the isolation, she joined an improv class in London, kept journaling (“I have 25 journals now that’s just me and my feelings on paper”), and leaned heavily on her castmates, especially John Boyega — the actor she’ll likely be sharing the most screentime with in The Last Jedi.

Her close association with Boyega’s character, Finn, is one of the few facts we know about Rose Tico so far. We also know she’s a low-ranking mechanic in the Resistance, and her sister Paige (played by Vietnamese actor Veronica Ngo) is a gunner in the Resistance.

“John is someone who I feel like I immediately was able to mesh with,” Tran said of working with the actor. “We connect on different levels because our parents are immigrants, we’re both people of color, nerds, and he’s just hilarious.” Tran, of course, knows everything about Rose, but all she’ll coyly add is that the character “has an interesting relationship with war” — a relationship Tran’s family knows all too well.

“I dug into that with my parents, and their relationship with war because of the Vietnam War,” she said. She also listened to podcasts and read books on engineers and how they think, and infused much of her own personality into the character’s.

“Sometimes I think Kelly informed Rose, and sometimes I think Rose informed me,” Tran said. “It’s such a messy, tangled relationship, which I think is kind of beautiful. She’s always going to be part of me and I’m always going to be part of her, right?”

And as for Rose’s future in the Star Wars universe, Tran is as curious as the rest of us. “I don’t know,” she said earnestly, convincingly, like a true Gryffindor.

Since filming wrapped, Tran’s co-stars moved on to new projects — “They’re all working on a bunch of movies everywhere in the world. I’m the only who’s like, ‘Yooo, come over, let’s watch a movie!’” — and she’s been living in a strange bubble, treading water between anonymity and the global stardom that Star Wars all but guarantees.

“Everything feels very emotional right now, because it feels like the first or the last time,” Tran said slowly, measuring her words. “I don’t know what that other life is gonna be like, but I also don’t want to let go of being this anonymous person who gets to live in both lands.”

There’s no way to know what her life will look like after The Last Jedi premieres, but Kelly Marie Tran is finally ready to stop running away from the inevitable spotlight.

“The only thing I can do is be honest and be myself, and if people hate that, they’re gonna hate that, and I can’t control that. It has nothing to do with me,” she said, half-sighing. “I’m saying this now, and it sounds really easy, but it took me a year. I just feel like I don’t wanna hide anymore.”

— Buzzfeed News